Dominants and submissives alike often times have trouble coming to terms with the things they fantasize. With the things the find themselves desiring. With the things they find themselves craving within this lifestyle. Although, I do think it is harder for a female submissive to come to terms with than it is for the Dominant. The main reason for this? They are looking at and comparing themselves incorrectly.
As a Dominant, I have had the pleasure of dealing with quite a few female submissives. Some were in real time and real life, while others were by some sort of electronic means in offering advice, answering questions, giving guidance, etc... In my approach, as many of my followers know, I require complete open and honest communication. I do not allowing hiding, running away, or avoid the truth. I will require to know her thoughts desires, fantasies, what thoughts she masturbates, to, and what really gets her off. I think this is vitally important so that I can understand her, see how she thinks, and what she needs as a submissive. Without this information, how can I possibly be a Dominant towards her?!?!
A common theme appears to be the submissive having trouble coming to terms with her desires, as she can see her fantasies as being very dark and twisted. The problem with this is that she is comparing these fantasies to the vanilla world. Yes, as compared to the vanilla world, where even just having sex with the lights on may be consider really kinky, then of course the thoughts of BDSM and D/s can seem dark and twisted. Yet, what I think is my job and duty is to help make her see that I think the same as she does. That I'm even more dark and twisted than she is. That as compared to me, she isn't as dark and twisted as she may have originally thought.
The key to this is making her see that she will not be looked upon poorly for what she desires and fantasizes. That she will not be laughed at or made fun of for wanting these things. As a Dominant, it is essential that you give her encouragement and support. You have to make her feel accepted and desired for these thoughts. She has to be able to reach a place where she feels comfortable in sharing and being open because she knows she is accepted for it and for what she shares. She has to be reassured and helped to understand what it is she is desiring and needing. If she doesn't receive this, then she will withdraw and you will never get it out of her. She has to feel safe and secure with you in order to be this open and share things this intimate about herself. It is a very vulnerable place for her, so it must be handled with care.
So that is what I mean about a submissive comparing themselves incorrectly. You can't compare to vanilla people. You have to compare apples to apples against other kinky people. As a Dominant, you have to help her see it from a level playing field, and to see that she isn't as dark and twisted as she may have thought. To see that it's ok to want and need these desires, and that she is accepted for them, and they can even be expected of her.
Help her embrace this side of herself that she is trying to open up to give you. Make her feel safe in her vulnerability to you, as her Dominant. I can promise you... the benefits you will receive from this will be well worth the effort in all you will get from her and her submission in trusting you more and deeper than before. And all because you helped her understand her desires, and made her feel accepted for having them.
~DV~
As a Dominant, I have had the pleasure of dealing with quite a few female submissives. Some were in real time and real life, while others were by some sort of electronic means in offering advice, answering questions, giving guidance, etc... In my approach, as many of my followers know, I require complete open and honest communication. I do not allowing hiding, running away, or avoid the truth. I will require to know her thoughts desires, fantasies, what thoughts she masturbates, to, and what really gets her off. I think this is vitally important so that I can understand her, see how she thinks, and what she needs as a submissive. Without this information, how can I possibly be a Dominant towards her?!?!
A common theme appears to be the submissive having trouble coming to terms with her desires, as she can see her fantasies as being very dark and twisted. The problem with this is that she is comparing these fantasies to the vanilla world. Yes, as compared to the vanilla world, where even just having sex with the lights on may be consider really kinky, then of course the thoughts of BDSM and D/s can seem dark and twisted. Yet, what I think is my job and duty is to help make her see that I think the same as she does. That I'm even more dark and twisted than she is. That as compared to me, she isn't as dark and twisted as she may have originally thought.
The key to this is making her see that she will not be looked upon poorly for what she desires and fantasizes. That she will not be laughed at or made fun of for wanting these things. As a Dominant, it is essential that you give her encouragement and support. You have to make her feel accepted and desired for these thoughts. She has to be able to reach a place where she feels comfortable in sharing and being open because she knows she is accepted for it and for what she shares. She has to be reassured and helped to understand what it is she is desiring and needing. If she doesn't receive this, then she will withdraw and you will never get it out of her. She has to feel safe and secure with you in order to be this open and share things this intimate about herself. It is a very vulnerable place for her, so it must be handled with care.
So that is what I mean about a submissive comparing themselves incorrectly. You can't compare to vanilla people. You have to compare apples to apples against other kinky people. As a Dominant, you have to help her see it from a level playing field, and to see that she isn't as dark and twisted as she may have thought. To see that it's ok to want and need these desires, and that she is accepted for them, and they can even be expected of her.
Help her embrace this side of herself that she is trying to open up to give you. Make her feel safe in her vulnerability to you, as her Dominant. I can promise you... the benefits you will receive from this will be well worth the effort in all you will get from her and her submission in trusting you more and deeper than before. And all because you helped her understand her desires, and made her feel accepted for having them.
~DV~
9 comments:
So spot on.
I do think this is a common issue, for me it was that fear of being seen as a freak, especially with the experience i had with my ex husband when i tried to speak to him of these desires i had...he was dismissive, and not very positive, he made me feel ashamed.
The bossman requires that i tell him of my fantasies, desires etc, some he has had to coax out of me, those i dont want to admit i like, its that internal battle of "its so wrong, so why do i think about it, want it etc"
Im fortunate that the bossman has never made me feel ashamed of my desires, he encourages, embraces them and sometimes makes them reality.
I totally agree. One has to feel safe to open up and after many years together...I think I have finally been able to do that. But where I falter is in the wanting to execute. I allow so many of my worries to take over that I would rather keep my deepest, darkest desires in my fantasy world so that I am not disappointed or faced with unintended consequences.
sooo nice to hear from you DV Sir.
You're absolutely right...and mouse is thrilled to have that someone that she can share those weird thoughts with. Even if he worked hard to draw them out slowly.
Hugs,
mouse
This is something I struggle with; not that I find my fantasies shocking myself (if that makes sense), but that I fear he will be shocked by them, and that in turn will make him slow our journey down.
Ash
You hit the nail on the head. 3+ years later, I still have a hard time admitting things.
Sometimes I go the other direction, and instead of feeling too dark and twisted, I worry that my desires are too vanilla and boring!
Thank you for this! I've never been with a Dom or Master (though I'm fully aware that I need one in my life...), and so I've never felt comfortable enough to share my deepest fantasies with the men I've been with (all vanilla.) amazing post.
Great posting. I am still trying to pull out the fantasies from my sub, but she is hesitant to reveal them to me. She claims that she does not have them. But I know she does. I know that she has experienced a few of them with me, and she does them under the guise that she does them because she knows it pleases me. It makes it easier for her, I suppose, to do twisted and kinky things because it is what she is directed to do, not because she has to admit to enjoying them. A cop out? Perhaps. But her wetness always gives her away.
This is one area that Pet and I are very fortunate to agree upon. For quite some time, we've both been open about our fantasies, and discuss them often. I believe that's key as well since it's not a stagnant topic. Some fade from interest and new ones take their place. What we want a year form now may be quite different than what we want today.
It took awhile for my slave to admit to hers, but she has learned to express them to me. We have both found out that her fantasies are quite dark, but as you said, not as dark and twisted as mine. That's fine though. She is finding things out about herself she never imagined were there too, through this opening up. Believe me, it has made things very fun and interesting. It is well worth the time to open up.
Post a Comment