Respectfully Disagreeing (I think?!?!)

I read a post yesterday, and it has had me perplexed.  I can't quite put my finger on what it is about the post and explain what I'm thinking.  So, I'm hoping putting into words on here will help.  The post was written by a Dominant blogger that I respect very much.  The great thing about we Dominants is that many of us are on the same page and respect each others approach and views, yet we can all be a bit different at the same time.  The Dom writes great thought provoking posts that many times really makes me sit back and think.  That is a great thing, as I relish being made to think about different and new angles on topics.  This post did that more than most.  The post is Being One and was written by Sir J on A Dominant Character. 

The main point in his post, as I read and understand it, is that having a partner isn't about that person making you complete.  They don't complete you.  They don't make you whole.  Sir J surmises that you complete yourself and be able to enjoy yourself alone, and then you decide to make room for others in your life.  I am having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around this...which brings me to where I am at this moment.  I am going to something I rarely do with anything Sir J writes.  I am going to respectfully disagree.

I do think you have to be happy with yourself.  A person needs to understand and know themselves intimately.  They do need to be able to enjoy time alone and not be constantly dependent upon other people, or another person.    You can't be a miserable person and not like yourself, and then expect someone else to come along and make it all better.  If you can't even like yourself, and are a miserable person with who you are, then how in the hell can you expect to be able to make anyone else happy.  We all have our flaws and things about ourselves.  That is only natural for us all.  But I am talking about our deep inner psyche and how we see ourselves as a person.  You have to look at that inner self in the mirror and either like who you are or be willing to take the steps to change to who you want to be to get to a place where you do like who you are.  This isn't something you can expect anyone else to do for you.

Now we get to the point where I disagree with Sir J.  Maybe another person doesn't complete you.  Maybe they don't make you whole, as Sir J indicates.  But, they can sure make you feel that way.  With the right partner, everything can feel different.  Things change.  You as a person change.  I think it's the chemistry and connection between two people that cause this change.  Another person, or partner, can make you see things differently than you can do by yourself.  They can open you up and make you face situations that you wouldn't do on your own, or even think about needing to do on your own.  That special person can take you places you never dreamed of on your own.  The right partner can make you see things differently and make you a better person for it.  The right partner can take your inner happiness to a whole new level.

I came across this quote that made me really think about my thoughts versus what I think Sit J is saying:

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

—

Carl Jung

 I think this quote is true.  Especially when it comes to the chemistry of love and attraction between two people.  You have to be happy with and about yourself as a person.  Yet, when you meet the right partner, the two of you will be able to transform into something bigger and better.  The meshing and reacting of the two of you, as two separate chemical substances, can end up being one chemical substance that works better as a unit.  Each still have their individuality within the reaction, but together they become a much stronger substance.  The biggest difference in chemicals and personalities and psyches is that if this joining of substances happens to end, you should be able to move ahead as a better person for learning from the experience.  A chemical just goes back to being that chemical.

Don't just be a chemical substance.  Be happy with yourself and be happy with your partner.  Allow yourself to open up, learn, and grow because of each other.  Take what you learn and become better for it.  Don't learn nothing and just be a stagnant substance that will never be more than the chemical state that it is.  Transform!  Become better!  Become stronger!  Be a partnership.  You don't have to totally rely on others for your happiness.  Maybe your partner doesn't complete you.  But...they can and will make you a better person and take you places you couldn't go on your own.  Maybe it's not that I disagree with Sir J's position...I just have a different view of it!

(I still love you Sir J) 

Finding Mr Right

There are several blogs I have been reading lately about a submissive looking for the right Dominant man.  One of these is The empty collar.  In this blog she knows exactly what she is looking for and won't settle for anything less.  She has experience and knows what is good for her and was isn't.  I applaud this on so many levels.  I read a post last night by thesubmissivebf titled You never know until you ask.  The point of this post is that in the right circumstances your views can be wide open.  You are much more willing to do certain things and try new things with the right person, than you would be with someone else, or the wrong person.  Both of these blogs center around a central theme...finding "Mr. Right" and having that special person that clicks with everything you need.

 This theme goes back in part to the series I did on Chemistry.  I encourage you to scroll back and read that series if you haven't read them.  It is all about finding the perfect partner, and what it is like when you find your perfect match and someone you have a connection with like no one else, and also how this relates to a D/s dynamic.  I think what thesubmissivebf points out is something which almost all of us can relate.  I know I can and have been thinking bout this very thing myself lately. 

When you are with the right person, you have trust oozing out your ears, and you want and need each other like nothing you have ever felt, this lends itself to so many new potential experiences.  It enables your mind to open up and be more free and accepting than you may have ever known before. Especially when it comes to situations of a sexual nature, your willingness to try new activities will be endless with the right partner.  The more you try, the more you will like.  The like will become a love, and the love will become a need.  For a submissive who finds the right Dom, she can begin, through her submission, to discover experiences she never even thought about.  She will find that she is willing to do things that once were taboo.

I will give you a few examples.  Let's start with spanking.  There are a lot of women who say they don't like spankings, or any pain for that matter.  I'm sure there are plenty who truly have not one masochistic bone in their body, and don't want to experience pain in any way.  I have also dealt with submissives who have said this, yet once they are exposed to it they find some enjoyment in it.  As this develops, the need grows more and more.  They need to feel themselves submit in that way.  The pain is actually arousing when delivered in the right circumstances and by the right hand.  For most, it's a control mechanism.  They need to feel the power and control their Dom has over them...that they have given to their Dom.  It really doesn't matter what the activity is, they need to more than anything to submit.

Another situation is rough sex in general.  As part of submitting and giving up control, a submissive can need to be handled roughly.  She needs to feel man-handled, so to speak, and feel the power and control, or her lack thereof.  As time progresses, so does her need for rough play.  In a situation of my own, the woman was very sexual in nature.  She loved being pampered and the softer side of the relationship, and all the physical aspects of us being together.  Through the magical hands of DV, she could be made to feel things, and orgasm like she never had previously.  Yet, at certain times she really craved the roughness.  As a result, her sexual experience was heightened by this type play.  She would cum harder and more intensely the rougher I was with her.  Each and every time, it would have to be stepped up.  She needed more and more.  Vanilla was not enough.  She was getting deeper and deeper into her submission and her need for what I could give her.  As many of us have talked about before, once you go here there is no turning back.  Anything less is never enough.

(As a disclaimer I will say this...I don't ever at all condone rough play without full consent of both parties.  It takes time, respect and trust to get to this level.  It has to be consensual.  HAS TO BE!  Otherwise it is abusive!  There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it in my book.  So let that be clear to everyone that reads this.) 

To get to this place, it takes chemistry.  It takes a connection.  It takes two people being on the same page completely and totally.  But if you can find the right person, then the possibilities and experiences are endless.  Being able to completely open your mind to these possibilities is a magical experience.  You can find things you never even thought about, and they can become a true need.  With the right person, you will be willing to do things that you never would even consider with someone else.  So, for all of the subs out there looking for "Mr. Right", don't give up hope.  He is out there.  You will eventually find him.  Don't settle for less than what you want and need just to be with someone.  Once you do find him, the relationship will be all you ever hoped, and then some.  For those of you that have already found this with someone, then you know exactly what I am talking about.  You have felt and experienced this.  You know just how priceless it is to have found your "Mr. Right"!

Chemistry Lab

We have all been through several chemistry classes together lately.  (see posts Chemistry 101, 201, and 301)  Any of you that know anything about chemistry class in school know that there is classroom lectures and work, and then there is time spent in the lab.  The lab time is there is be able to see in person how the things you have been studying actually work in practice.  Now I would love to be able to invite you all over and give you a hands on personal demonstration.  However...that certainly is not feasible, and many of your significant others may not take too kindly to that.  And I certainly can't have any other Doms accusing me of ruining their subs.  LOL! 

All joking aside, this was the best way I know to show a side of what I have been saying.  This wouldn't work with just any picture.  It had to be the perfect picture.  I really wasn't looking for one, but I saw this and it happened to fit perfectly.  So...your Chemistry Lab Demonstration is this...

 

This picture reeks of chemistry to me.   It is overflowing with want and need.  It is being lost in a moment with that special someone, where time stands still, nothing else matters and there is no place else you'd rather be.  It's feeling so connected to each other that you want to consume every ounce of each others being.  It's needing to have them near you and this close.  It's feeding the addiction you have for that person.  It's breathing each other in and out.  It's feeling the warmth of each others body next to yours and then trying to pull yourself in even closer.  It's total pleasure with where you are, even with your clothes still on.  It's wanting so much and everything with the other person, that you stay frozen because you don't know which direction to go first.  It's hoping this moment never ends.  It's knowing how bad you want to stay when it's time to go.  It's not wanting to be apart even though you know you have no choice.  It's knowing when you are apart how bad you need to be with and see them again.  It's these moments that build the fire and feed the need, and bring you closer than you were before.  

That boys and girls is Chemistry!  That is total connection!  That is what want and need actually looks like!  As for how it actually feels...I can't help you with that one.  You need to conduct your own chemistry lab and experiment.  But I can tell you that when you do find it...you will know.  there won't be a single doubt in your mind.  You will just feel it and know.  I hope you all do feel it and know.  It's not something I want any of you to have to do without.  It is very special and something that everyone should have.

Class dismissed!  

Professor DV

Chemistry 301 (Need and Addiction)

All of you thought you were here to read sex blogs, learn about bdsm, get turned on and aroused, and get a glimpse into other peoples relationship dynamics.  You had no idea I was taking you back to school...no less to chemistry class.  And just for the record, I got out of high school chemistry by the skin of my teeth, and avoided it completely in college.  :)  But alas, we are talking about a different kind of chemistry, aren't we?!?!  The kind that occurs between two people and pulls them together into a relationship.  The kind that makes two people want each other, feel good around each other, and need each other.  Chemistry 301 is all about NEED! 

I mentioned in Chemistry 101 that you can feel so connected to someone that this special connection and chemistry between you could take you higher than any drug ever could.  I'm not going to get into the actual chemical responses of the brain, in dealing with either a relationship or illegal drugs (or even legal ones for that matter).  That's left to the scientists, which I am certain not one.  Yet, there does definitely seem to be some emotional, and I'm sure chemical, reactions within the brain that drive us. There are many times you meet someone, and you just can't totally explain what you are feeling, yet it just doesn't feel right.  The opposite is true as well.  Maybe you can't fully express in words what you are feeling, but you know with this person it just feels right. 

As this continues, your relationship grows and builds, and as you become closer, this special connection and chemistry becomes much more than that.  It begins to evolve into a deep yearning, desire and need.  You begin to rely on your partner for much more than you have anyone in the past, or at least in a long time.  You feel like they are a part of you.  Like they are the missing piece that completes you.  Like they make you feel whole.  This is where NEED really comes in and starts to develop.  The more you are together, the more you need the other person.  You begin to feel lost without having them.  You are driven to be with this person.  They seem to fit you like a tailor made glove, and nothing about your relationship ever seems wrong or out of place.  The growing need for each other can even become physical.  For example...there is an old saying "I need you so bad it hurts", or "I miss you so bad it hurts".  There is some definite truth to this.  The need may be emotional, but it can manifest itself to be felt in a physical way.

This need can manifest on multiple levels.  The first is an emotional level.  You can grow into being so content and comfortable with your partner that you need them emotionally.  You need to have them in your life.  You need to hear their voice.  You need to be in contact with them.  There is an emotional need for their love, care and attention.  You may go hours or days and not hear from them, and begin to feel alone and distraught.  But then when you do hear from them, your whole demeanor changes.  You feel uplifted and much better about yourself.  That is a big part of the emotional connection and need. It's not only being attracted and feeling a connection, but how that person makes you feel about yourself.  It's a constant circle of making each other feel good about the relationship, your partner and yourself.  It's feeling wanted, needed, and appreciated as much as you feel the same about them.

The second area the need for someone can manifest itself is in a physical manner.  When you have all these other things going on (emotions, connection, chemistry), it naturally makes you want to be physical with this person.  That is a natural human response.  When things seem perfect and right, then the physical aspect of the relationship can really kick into gear.  And when things feel perfect on a physical level, they just keep going.  Whether it's kissing, touching, petting, actual sexual intercourse, or whatever you may be doing.  The more you do, the more you want, the more you want to give, the more you want to experience, the more you want your partner to experience, and so on.  The need to be with that person physically really takes off.  If you are in a position like myself, where you can't be with your partner constantly, then this is where the need takes over.  You are apart but feel the need to be with them.  You need to feel their touch.  You need to feel their lips on yours.  You need to be able to make them feel as good as they make you feel.  You need to be able to physically connect on a very basic and primitive, yet intimate level.  In basic terms, you need to be able to feel skin on skin...to feel yourself get so aroused that you think you are going to explode just from their touch...and to know they are feeling the same thing you are.  Being apart can be hard and can make this need grow even more.  It's difficult to want and need someone so bad but not be able to do anything about it.  However, it does make the times when you can see each other, that much more special and intense.

The need for another person, especially when the two of you seem so absolutely perfect together, can become and addiction.  It's just like with any drug...you can become addicted and need your fix.  The need can drive you to be together and take each other as high as you can possibly imagine.  Being apart can be the same as not being able to have your drug, and you can experience withdrawals.  I do believe it's possible to miss or need someone so bad it hurts (withdrawals).  Together, everything seems perfect, there isn't a care in the world, and nothing else exists or matters.  Apart you just need more of what you have had and what you know only that person can give you and how they can make you feel.  It is very possible to get to a point where you say..."I'm addicted to you!"

Since I said this series is about me and my own emotions, I will say this...I believe in everything I have said.  I have been there and felt it all for myself.  I love the feeling of all the emotions, the connection, the chemistry, the need, the desire, and the addiction of finding that special person that makes you feel like no one else possibly ever has.  I don't want my partner to hold back.  Feed my need.  Feed my addiction.  Make me want and need you more than anything else.  I want to feel all of "this" without question or hesitation.  Make me feel like I can't live without you as a part of my life.  When I have this total connection, need and addiction with someone, there is no better feeling in the world!  When I have this and feel this way, not only do I want you to be mine completely and totally, but you will have all of me as well.  Be mine and I will be yours.  Let's be addicted together!  Nothing else could possibly be better than that!

Chemistry 201

In our last chemistry class (if you are new here scroll down and read Chemistry 101 first) we learned about attraction and connection between two people.  Well...let me digress...we learned about DV's view of it and what he likes, wants, and needs with a woman.  And yeah, I referred to myself in the third person.  Don't you hate that?!?!  LOL!  Anyway...now we move onto our next class.  I have talked in several prior posts about feelings and emotions.  Most of this has been angled towards women and/or a submissive.  In my "Chemistry" series, I am trying to give you some more insight into my mind, my emotions, and what I want and need.  It may be a scary view once you get a glimpse, so you have been warned ahead of time. ;)

One thing I wanted to touch on is my need for connection and being Dominant.  This was even more brought to light by an email I received in reference to my post "Chemistry 101".  In this email, my ability to Dominate was questioned based on me being too "touchy feely" with my emotions and too feminine acting.  That a Dominant is supposed to be more hardcore, strict and course in his actions and approach.  That I shouldn't be so openly expressive about my emotions to a submissive and my need for her, as it sounds submissive in itself.  It makes me sound weak.  I am paraphrasing, but that is the gist of it.  What do I have to say about that?  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!! The funniest part of the whole thing, is I never even got mad about it.  If this person was trying to get under my skin...it didn't work.  In fact, it made me laugh, as this person really has no clue or understanding of what it means to be so in tune with their partner.

Let me explain this a bit further.  For males especially, it can be very hard for us to openly express our emotions and feelings.  It is not viewed generally as characteristic of a strong man.  This is a stereotype that has been around forever.  I don't like it and think it's a bunch of crap.  I think it shows that I am strong and I am secure with who I am.  I think that if you can't talk about, realize, understand, and express your own emotions, wants, and needs openly with your partner, then you are the weak and insecure one.  It takes a strong person, male or female, to be able to open up and tell their partner all they are holding inside.  To be able to share like that takes strength.  It is making you vulnerable to your core, and most men avoid that at all cost.  I'm not suggesting this will work, or should be done by everyone.  This is just me, who I am and what works for me personally.  But I do think that being as open as possible has much more upside than downside.

So, by now you asking...how does this translate into D/s (or whatever dynamic you are in)?  I will tell you!  As a Dominant, and like many other Dominants out there, I expect my partner to be open and fully communicate with me.  Is it fair and just for me to require and ask that of her and not be willing to do that myself?  Not at all!  This isn't a one-way street.  She needs to be able to understand me, my needs, and my desires to be able to be the best for me she can be.  Just as I need to fully understand hers to be as good as I can be in her eyes.  How can I expect her to be her best if I'm not willing to share my thoughts and feelings with her?!?!  She isn't a mind reader.  She may try her best, because she doesn't want to disappoint, but running blind like that is a recipe for disaster in my book.  Be open, be on the same page, and be willing to work with your partner.  This is the only way to make it great!

Now let's take this one step further.  If we look back to my original post, I talked about chemistry, connection, attraction, and the feeling that you have met your eternal soul mate.  Isn't this what you want in a D/s relationship?  It should be! You should want that complete and total connection with someone.  Someone that makes you feel complete and whole.  Someone that makes you feel more special than you ever have before.  And this is before we even bring D/s into the equation.  D/s requires respect for each other, a lot of trust, and there are a lot of raw emotions that become involved.  So why on earth would you not want your partner to be this total connection I have spoken about.  Not just a mutual interest in D/s, but a connection on every possible level.  When you have this connection and feel as one emotionally, then everything you do can be taken to new heights.  You can experience things like never before.  It can take you higher than any drug you can think about.

Without the emotional connection, you will always be lacking.  You can never reach as high as if you did have it.  It is something extremely special.  As a Dom, you will be able to push her further and harder, based on her trust, respect and the connection the two of you have.  Without this connection, the two of you will never be able to fully reach your potential.  There will always be a roadblock.  With the connection, the sky is the limit.  Who knows how far the two of you can go and what all you will experience together.  But together, feeling as soul mates, and connected with each other like never before in your life...that is one ride that I know for sure I don't want to miss.

Chemistry 101

There is a topic that has been on my mind lately.  It goes way beyond TTWD.  Or actually, it happens outside of TTWD.  It is totally separate, yet is the most vital and basic of all necessities.  I have had multiple conversations recently in regards to this.  It has nothing to do with giving yourself to someone, or desiring to be in control of someone.  It has nothing to do with being submissive or being dominant.  It is and has everything to do with...CHEMISTRY.   

There is something very raw and basic about attraction.  Yet, initial physical attraction only goes so far.  There is so much beyond attraction.  For two people to go further and get beyond initial attraction there has to be a connection.  There has to be chemistry between them.  They have to understand each other, be able to think along the same lines, have similar wants and needs, and have similar goals.  Many times the chemistry between two people can't even be expressed and put into words.  Yet, it is an electrifying feeling that you know is there.  It can even be a gut feeling where things just seem to fit into place and just feel right.

I have met women in the past, based on our mutual desire for D/s.  We may email a bit, and then plan a meeting.  But after the meeting it just wasn't there for me.   Whether it was lack of attraction, lack of a connection and chemistry, or whatever the reason.  Sometimes I just haven't been able to put my finger on what the reason is, but it just didn't feel right.  We could both want a D/s dynamic and be on the same page with that, but if the rest isn't there, then for me it just isn't going to work.  I need more!  I need a mental and emotional connection.  I don't want just a physical relationship with someone.  I need a relationship on many levels.  I don't want just her body...I want her mind.  Once you really connect with someone, have great chemistry, and have an emotional connection, then the physical aspect of the relationship can go so much further than just a physical relationship alone.

The example I have used in the past is this...you can be a super-model, be gorgeous, and want me to do every bad thing to you in the world that sounds great to me.  But...if you are dumb as a rock, can't hold a conversation, and can't stimulate my mind to some degree on an intellectual level, then it will never work.  I'm ultimately not going to be or stay interested.  I feel the more you connect with someone on a mental and emotional level, the more attractive they become.  Physical attributes can only take you so far, at least with me.

When you find someone, that special person you totally have this chemistry with, then it is the greatest feeling in the world.  Nothing feels better.  You can enjoy talking about anything under the sun.  You feel wanted as much as you want.  You feel important and like a priority to them.  You feel giddy and like you are smiling all the time for no reason.  You get overly excited every time you see an email from them, or their name and number on your caller ID.  You get butterflies just thinking about them.  You can't wait until you get to see them again.  It's not even about the sex or potential sex (which may be absolutely fantastic in its own right).  It's more about being with that person.  It's about how you feel and they make you feel when you are with them.  It's like an electrical current flowing back and forth when you touch each other.  It's all the little things that may normally sound silly and pointless, but are important now.

Having that special chemistry is something we should all want and need.  To need to have that feeling with someone.  That person that you call your best friend, your partner in crime, your lover, your confidante, and any other term that you can describe.  When you find that with someone it is truly special and amazing.  It is something you need to hold onto tight and never let it go.  It doesn't come around everyday.  Some people look for this for what seems like a lifetime.  Give all you have to that person, and never regret being open and vulnerable to them.  Let them see every piece of you, just as you want to see that in them.  When you do find and have this, whatever dynamic plays out within the relationship will be that much deeper and more involved.  You will both give more and get more in return.  It is something to never take for granted.  Love it and nurture it every single day as though it was your last.  It's not too hard to remember what things were like before this person came along.  So...do whatever it takes to keep the fire going.  Don't let go!