An Evolving Mindset (Part 2)

In my last post I talked about how we change over time.  How our wants and needs change.  How we evolve in what we like and feel we have to have to be happy and satisfied.  How settling for anything less than that will never be enough.  This is apparent within me as much as anyone.  Several years ago, before I discovered the Dominant side of myself and let it blossom, I would have been content with a traditional sex life.  A sex life that the mainstream population would consider normal.  These days...normal has a whole new meaning.  It has taken on an entirely different perspective.

This lifestyle, D/s, is a natural part of who I am and how I view things these days.  It is "normal" for me.  I no longer consider myself new to TTWD.  Although, I'll be the first to tell you that there is so much more out there to be learned and discovered.  I mentioned in my last post how I think it is beautiful to see the changes evolve within someone in this lifestyle.  That is one reason I like to write and post on here.  I like to be able to share my thoughts and experiences with others.  I love to receive comments and emails from readers saying how they had that light bulb moment when reading my post.  Or, that they felt I was inside their head seeing everything they think and feel.  That is a great feeling.  I have been there myself, and am glad I can share and help others see these things as well.  Anyway...I digress.

I was having a conversation the other day with my wife.  As many of you may know, she is in no way a part of this lifestyle, nor will she ever be.  It isn't a part of who she is.  She is fully aware of who I am at this point, what I like and need, what I do, and who I do it with.  She does her own thing as well, which I am fully aware of.  This is an agreement we came to a while back.  Anyway...the conversation made me think about how much I have evolved and changed.  During the conversation, a question was brought up..."could we ever get back to being the couple we once were and be sexual again (which we haven't been in years)?"  We both agreed that it couldn't and wouldn't ever happen.  We are too different in what we want and need in that arena. 

This begs the natural question...So what do I want?  A few years ago I would have said sex.  LOL!  The answer to this today is much different than it would have been a few years ago.  Spankings?  Check!  Control?  Check!  Hair pulling?  Check!  To have my cock worshiped?  Check!  To control orgasms?  Check!  To fuck how I want and when I want?  Check!  To have my cum worn with pride?  Check!  To use restraints?  Check!  Anal sex?  Check!  To feel my Sunshine totally and completely belongs to me, and does so gladly and willingly?  Check!  This is just to name a few, but is far different than...well, sex.  Yes, many of these things are sex related, but so much of it has to do with the mental and emotional aspect of the act and relationship, and from where the intention of the act derives.

The best part of it all is being with someone you know wants and needs all of this from you....and maybe even much more.  It's great to not only be able to push Sunshine to new territory, but to have her push me as well.  I don't mean that I am being pushed by her in a bad or disrespectful way.  I mean that she can push me to do more, become better, and find more of myself for her.  Ask me a couple of years from now and I will probably be able to say I have changed much more since I wrote this.  That is my goal and what I hope for anyway.  I don't want to stay stagnant.  I want to keeping evolving, be more than I am now, and be a better man for having changed.  Lucky for me I have a little Sunshine to light the way. 

Differences In Approach

The last and most recent post I wrote is called "Giving".  I suppose it is more based on prose than anything else.  Nonetheless, it contains some of how I see D/s and these types of relationships.  I got a comment from K at Her Spirit His that brought up some questions.  I thought my response to her comments were important.  They didn't need to be buried within the comments of that post.  I also didn't want to get too lengthy in the comments section, so I am responding with this post.  Her comments are as follows:

"Beautiful...could it be that some Doms are simply more sadist and thus not able to be exactly this way? Or is it necessary ...I have often wondered...I guess like most things, it depends."

Not all Masters/Dominants are the same.  We all have our own views and opinions and our own individual personalities.  This is the same for a submissive.  Everyone, no matter what title or designation you have or don't have, is their own individual person.  That's what makes the world go around.  The views and thoughts expressed within my blog and posts are...well, they are my views, thoughts and opinions.  Many of you may like and agree with what I write.  Some others may not.  All that I write is based on my approach to TTWD, and what works for me.  I certainly will never say that what I do and think is the ONLY way.  It is just my way.  It's what works for me and the Dominant that I am.  DV the Dom!

I am a self-described sensual, passionate and loving Dominant.  I'm not very sadistic, although I do love some pain implementation.  I'm not overbearing and don't tend to hover over my submissive.  I don't micromanage her actions, and tend to let things flow.  I will guide and direct her as needed, and lead her down the path we both need.  I tend to let my actions lead her into further submission.  I want and need her to want and need to submit.  Not because I demand it of her.  I do give a lot of myself to my submissive.  Sometimes almost in a way that may appear to an outsider that I'm being submissive to her and her needs.  Yet, I maintain control.  I will push and maintain my position.  I will continue to lead, even when giving her all she wants and needs.

There are Dominants out there that are much more sadistic than I am.  There are Doms that want and need much more oversight than I do.  There are submissives that have masochistic tendencies and need a more sadistic Dom.  There are subs that need more oversight and like having a Dom that has his finger on everything they do.  We all have differing needs and desires.  This is why it is so important that you find a partner that matches your needs.  Just because someone is Dominant doesn't mean they are right for a particular sub.  Conversely, just because someone is submissive doesn't make them the right for a particular Dom.  Your needs and desires need to match well, and there needs to be that special chemistry between you.  I have been with subs that didn't match well with me.  To me it's not about being with a submissive...it's about being with the right and perfect submissive and person for me. 

So K, to ultimately answer your question...yes there are probably a lot of Doms that aren't exactly the way I describe in my posts.  This is just how I believe and what works for me in being a Dominant.  No one way is right or wrong.  It revolves around each individual persons needs and personality.  If you agree with my approach, then you need to find a Dom that does as well.  If you need more than what I describe, then you need to find a Dom that needs more as well.  It all boils down to being on the same page with your partner, and being able to understand each others position, needs and desires within the relationship.

Thanks so much for your comments and questions!

Chemistry Lab

We have all been through several chemistry classes together lately.  (see posts Chemistry 101, 201, and 301)  Any of you that know anything about chemistry class in school know that there is classroom lectures and work, and then there is time spent in the lab.  The lab time is there is be able to see in person how the things you have been studying actually work in practice.  Now I would love to be able to invite you all over and give you a hands on personal demonstration.  However...that certainly is not feasible, and many of your significant others may not take too kindly to that.  And I certainly can't have any other Doms accusing me of ruining their subs.  LOL! 

All joking aside, this was the best way I know to show a side of what I have been saying.  This wouldn't work with just any picture.  It had to be the perfect picture.  I really wasn't looking for one, but I saw this and it happened to fit perfectly.  So...your Chemistry Lab Demonstration is this...

 

This picture reeks of chemistry to me.   It is overflowing with want and need.  It is being lost in a moment with that special someone, where time stands still, nothing else matters and there is no place else you'd rather be.  It's feeling so connected to each other that you want to consume every ounce of each others being.  It's needing to have them near you and this close.  It's feeding the addiction you have for that person.  It's breathing each other in and out.  It's feeling the warmth of each others body next to yours and then trying to pull yourself in even closer.  It's total pleasure with where you are, even with your clothes still on.  It's wanting so much and everything with the other person, that you stay frozen because you don't know which direction to go first.  It's hoping this moment never ends.  It's knowing how bad you want to stay when it's time to go.  It's not wanting to be apart even though you know you have no choice.  It's knowing when you are apart how bad you need to be with and see them again.  It's these moments that build the fire and feed the need, and bring you closer than you were before.  

That boys and girls is Chemistry!  That is total connection!  That is what want and need actually looks like!  As for how it actually feels...I can't help you with that one.  You need to conduct your own chemistry lab and experiment.  But I can tell you that when you do find it...you will know.  there won't be a single doubt in your mind.  You will just feel it and know.  I hope you all do feel it and know.  It's not something I want any of you to have to do without.  It is very special and something that everyone should have.

Class dismissed!  

Professor DV

Changing Like The Tides

To be or not to be...   No that's not it.  What to be or not to be....   No that's not it either.  Ah I have it!  What to be today, and maybe be different tomorrow...  Yep that's it!

I was recently asked how I do things when I set up a meeting.  Do I have set scenes or activities I like to do?  Do I expect certain things from a sub every time we meet?  Will the scenes be different but certain activities will always be incorporated?  These questions are understandable and worth asking.  After all...a sub needs to be somewhat familiar with routine and what is expected of her. 

I agree with expectations and a sub knowing her place and what is expected of her.  Yet, I have found that I find my moods change daily, and so does my approach and what I want or need for that particular day.  Sometimes I may have a scene set out in my mind as to what I am going to do and feel my sub needs to do.  But then when it comes down to it, the mood and where things just happen to lead may be totally different.  I can be a bit anal when it comes to a schedule and staying on it.  But when it comes to my play time with my partner, the mood always seems to dictate better than I can what happens and where things go. 

If you are like me, (and no one may be like me - lol) you like a book with pictures.  I am a visual and a hands on learner.  I was even this way all through school.  I could go to class and listen to lectures all day and it not sink in.  I need to be able to see what you are talking about.  I need to be able to get my hands on it.  So, for my benefit, and the rest of you like me, I'll give you a little bit of a picture story to illustrate my changes in mood and what I want and need.

Some days I may be feeling I need this: 

 Tomorrow I may be needing this:

Another day it may be this: 

Then later that day I need something like this:



















Next week I may be feeling this: 

 


Then finally, I may feel my sub needs this:



















I varies from moment to moment sometimes.  I think we are all that way to a degree.  sometimes you have to deal with it and stick to your plan.  You have to do a particular scene because you know that's what your sub needs.  As a Dom, it isn't always about you.  More times than not it is all about your sub and what she needs to be to be the best sub she can be for you.  Sometimes she needs caring and loving attention.  Other times she may need to feel your power and Dominance.  Today she may need to be made to feel her full submission.  Tomorrow she may need to feel how much you care, and your protection of her.  Today, sweet and gentle loving.  Tomorrow, pushed and spanked like never before.

There are so many variables that can come into play.  Your needs, her needs, the  mood, the situation.  As long as you are both on the same page and good with how the two of you operate, then that is what is most important and what matters.