Chemistry 201

In our last chemistry class (if you are new here scroll down and read Chemistry 101 first) we learned about attraction and connection between two people.  Well...let me digress...we learned about DV's view of it and what he likes, wants, and needs with a woman.  And yeah, I referred to myself in the third person.  Don't you hate that?!?!  LOL!  Anyway...now we move onto our next class.  I have talked in several prior posts about feelings and emotions.  Most of this has been angled towards women and/or a submissive.  In my "Chemistry" series, I am trying to give you some more insight into my mind, my emotions, and what I want and need.  It may be a scary view once you get a glimpse, so you have been warned ahead of time. ;)

One thing I wanted to touch on is my need for connection and being Dominant.  This was even more brought to light by an email I received in reference to my post "Chemistry 101".  In this email, my ability to Dominate was questioned based on me being too "touchy feely" with my emotions and too feminine acting.  That a Dominant is supposed to be more hardcore, strict and course in his actions and approach.  That I shouldn't be so openly expressive about my emotions to a submissive and my need for her, as it sounds submissive in itself.  It makes me sound weak.  I am paraphrasing, but that is the gist of it.  What do I have to say about that?  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!! The funniest part of the whole thing, is I never even got mad about it.  If this person was trying to get under my skin...it didn't work.  In fact, it made me laugh, as this person really has no clue or understanding of what it means to be so in tune with their partner.

Let me explain this a bit further.  For males especially, it can be very hard for us to openly express our emotions and feelings.  It is not viewed generally as characteristic of a strong man.  This is a stereotype that has been around forever.  I don't like it and think it's a bunch of crap.  I think it shows that I am strong and I am secure with who I am.  I think that if you can't talk about, realize, understand, and express your own emotions, wants, and needs openly with your partner, then you are the weak and insecure one.  It takes a strong person, male or female, to be able to open up and tell their partner all they are holding inside.  To be able to share like that takes strength.  It is making you vulnerable to your core, and most men avoid that at all cost.  I'm not suggesting this will work, or should be done by everyone.  This is just me, who I am and what works for me personally.  But I do think that being as open as possible has much more upside than downside.

So, by now you asking...how does this translate into D/s (or whatever dynamic you are in)?  I will tell you!  As a Dominant, and like many other Dominants out there, I expect my partner to be open and fully communicate with me.  Is it fair and just for me to require and ask that of her and not be willing to do that myself?  Not at all!  This isn't a one-way street.  She needs to be able to understand me, my needs, and my desires to be able to be the best for me she can be.  Just as I need to fully understand hers to be as good as I can be in her eyes.  How can I expect her to be her best if I'm not willing to share my thoughts and feelings with her?!?!  She isn't a mind reader.  She may try her best, because she doesn't want to disappoint, but running blind like that is a recipe for disaster in my book.  Be open, be on the same page, and be willing to work with your partner.  This is the only way to make it great!

Now let's take this one step further.  If we look back to my original post, I talked about chemistry, connection, attraction, and the feeling that you have met your eternal soul mate.  Isn't this what you want in a D/s relationship?  It should be! You should want that complete and total connection with someone.  Someone that makes you feel complete and whole.  Someone that makes you feel more special than you ever have before.  And this is before we even bring D/s into the equation.  D/s requires respect for each other, a lot of trust, and there are a lot of raw emotions that become involved.  So why on earth would you not want your partner to be this total connection I have spoken about.  Not just a mutual interest in D/s, but a connection on every possible level.  When you have this connection and feel as one emotionally, then everything you do can be taken to new heights.  You can experience things like never before.  It can take you higher than any drug you can think about.

Without the emotional connection, you will always be lacking.  You can never reach as high as if you did have it.  It is something extremely special.  As a Dom, you will be able to push her further and harder, based on her trust, respect and the connection the two of you have.  Without this connection, the two of you will never be able to fully reach your potential.  There will always be a roadblock.  With the connection, the sky is the limit.  Who knows how far the two of you can go and what all you will experience together.  But together, feeling as soul mates, and connected with each other like never before in your life...that is one ride that I know for sure I don't want to miss.

Chemistry 101

There is a topic that has been on my mind lately.  It goes way beyond TTWD.  Or actually, it happens outside of TTWD.  It is totally separate, yet is the most vital and basic of all necessities.  I have had multiple conversations recently in regards to this.  It has nothing to do with giving yourself to someone, or desiring to be in control of someone.  It has nothing to do with being submissive or being dominant.  It is and has everything to do with...CHEMISTRY.   

There is something very raw and basic about attraction.  Yet, initial physical attraction only goes so far.  There is so much beyond attraction.  For two people to go further and get beyond initial attraction there has to be a connection.  There has to be chemistry between them.  They have to understand each other, be able to think along the same lines, have similar wants and needs, and have similar goals.  Many times the chemistry between two people can't even be expressed and put into words.  Yet, it is an electrifying feeling that you know is there.  It can even be a gut feeling where things just seem to fit into place and just feel right.

I have met women in the past, based on our mutual desire for D/s.  We may email a bit, and then plan a meeting.  But after the meeting it just wasn't there for me.   Whether it was lack of attraction, lack of a connection and chemistry, or whatever the reason.  Sometimes I just haven't been able to put my finger on what the reason is, but it just didn't feel right.  We could both want a D/s dynamic and be on the same page with that, but if the rest isn't there, then for me it just isn't going to work.  I need more!  I need a mental and emotional connection.  I don't want just a physical relationship with someone.  I need a relationship on many levels.  I don't want just her body...I want her mind.  Once you really connect with someone, have great chemistry, and have an emotional connection, then the physical aspect of the relationship can go so much further than just a physical relationship alone.

The example I have used in the past is this...you can be a super-model, be gorgeous, and want me to do every bad thing to you in the world that sounds great to me.  But...if you are dumb as a rock, can't hold a conversation, and can't stimulate my mind to some degree on an intellectual level, then it will never work.  I'm ultimately not going to be or stay interested.  I feel the more you connect with someone on a mental and emotional level, the more attractive they become.  Physical attributes can only take you so far, at least with me.

When you find someone, that special person you totally have this chemistry with, then it is the greatest feeling in the world.  Nothing feels better.  You can enjoy talking about anything under the sun.  You feel wanted as much as you want.  You feel important and like a priority to them.  You feel giddy and like you are smiling all the time for no reason.  You get overly excited every time you see an email from them, or their name and number on your caller ID.  You get butterflies just thinking about them.  You can't wait until you get to see them again.  It's not even about the sex or potential sex (which may be absolutely fantastic in its own right).  It's more about being with that person.  It's about how you feel and they make you feel when you are with them.  It's like an electrical current flowing back and forth when you touch each other.  It's all the little things that may normally sound silly and pointless, but are important now.

Having that special chemistry is something we should all want and need.  To need to have that feeling with someone.  That person that you call your best friend, your partner in crime, your lover, your confidante, and any other term that you can describe.  When you find that with someone it is truly special and amazing.  It is something you need to hold onto tight and never let it go.  It doesn't come around everyday.  Some people look for this for what seems like a lifetime.  Give all you have to that person, and never regret being open and vulnerable to them.  Let them see every piece of you, just as you want to see that in them.  When you do find and have this, whatever dynamic plays out within the relationship will be that much deeper and more involved.  You will both give more and get more in return.  It is something to never take for granted.  Love it and nurture it every single day as though it was your last.  It's not too hard to remember what things were like before this person came along.  So...do whatever it takes to keep the fire going.  Don't let go!

Fantastic Ass Friday (FAF)

Fantastic Ass Friday is here once again.  I want to thank all of you that have been voting and making comments.  You all the reason I do this.  If it wasn't for your interest, there would be no point in continuing.  So...thank you all.  I do enjoy getting and reading your comments each week about the pictures.  It fascinates me how everyone sees different things in the pics.  What one person likes may not appeal as much to someone else.  I have mentioned before how you all surprise me with your choices and votes.  You never seem to pick and vote for the one I think you might.  Goes to show, my taste is different than many of you.  But...to each his/her own.  All of our differences is what makes this world and interesting place.

I'll stop rambling now!  I know you don't want to keep reading my thoughts.  You want the pics already.  In fact, you probably didn't even read this and scrolled down to the pics immediately.  LOL!  Can't say that I blame you.  I hope you all have a great weekend and enjoy this week's choices.  As always, last week's winner is to the right.  Take care all my sexy, perverted, and kinky readers, followers and lurkers.  :)

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DV

Fantastic Ass Friday (FAF)

I welcome you all to this week's brand new episode of Fantastic Ass Friday.  The one place you can visit weekly with absolutely no drama introduced.  No Charlie Sheen!  No Middle East fighting!  No Japanese tsunamis!  Nothing but a few minutes of escape from the real world while you try to decide just which fantastic ass is your favorite of the week.  Last week's winner posted to the right, as always. 

It is finally sunny here in the south, or at least my part of it.  Not a cloud in the sky and temps in the 60's for the next week.  Sure can't complain about that.  I hope you all have a great weekend, and get all the kink you want and need. 

This week I am going with black and white closeups.  I hope you enjoy!  On with the pics...

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DV

Kick The Ego To The Curb

The male ego is strong and powerful thing.  It can help us stand our ground, and drive us to push through situations we wouldn't normally attempt.  Many times this is done in order to save face and avoid looking weak in front of others.  This ego especially kicks in when we males don't know or are not familiar with something.  Rather than admit we don't know, we will bullshit our way through it as to not look weak in not knowing.  Once this behavior starts and continues over time, it becomes habit.  It becomes ingrained in us.  It is our natural reaction and how we respond to everything.  This where the problem begins. 

I have spoken with quite a few women over the past few years.  Ones that I have met online, through my blog or other means.  Whether it's general conversation or someone has emailed me about a specific topic, there seems to be a common them with many men out there...a disconnect between men and women.  What do I mean by this?  Over and over again I have heard about how men don't know what they are doing sexually.  They know very little, do the same thing over and over, and aren't willing to try something new.  The women on the other hand want more...need more.  They want to be satisfied.  They want to feel like attention is being paid to their needs.  They want to try new things and get outside the box a little bit.  This has nothing to do with whether you are vanilla or into bdsm.  It can cross all borders. 

Now we come back to the male ego.  As previously stated, he either knows or will act like he knows everything.  He will try to put up a strong front and be as masculine as possible.  But what is this really doing?  It is hurting him and his partner.  It is being narrow minded and unwilling to look into new things, especially at the suggestion of someone else.  The downward spiral has begun.  He won't look at new things, thinks he knows what he is doing, and won't entertain new ideas...all in order to save face and maintain his manhood.  Who suffers most from this...his partner.  She becomes more and more unsatisfied, and emotionally disconnected.  The longer it goes, the more disconnected she will become, and this will make it even harder for her to find the pleasure she is so badly needing.

So what is the answer?  Take your ego and your manhood and throw it out the door.  My view is that it makes you look stronger to admit things you don't know, have an open mind, and be willing to learn new things.  Just as in D/s we say that it takes a strong woman to submit, it also takes a strong man to admit where he is lacking.  That is half the fun of a relationship....being willing to look at new things together, try new experiences, new techniques, and be willing to be taught as well as teach. 

For a basic example, let's look at him performing oral sex on her.  Maybe he doesn't really know how, so he shy's away from it.  Maybe he doesn't do it exactly the way she needs.   Maybe it's too gentle.  Maybe it's too rough.  The answer is simple.  Ask her and talk about it.  There's nothing wrong with saying I'm not sure about this, so teach me how to make it as good as I can make for you.  It shows you care for her, love her, and want the best for her.  It shows that you are willing to go the extra mile to bring her pleasure.  Mentally and emotionally, this can be huge for a woman and her perception.  She needs to see that you are willing to learn.  Many times that is all she will ask of you.  Just be willing.  She doesn't need you to move a mountain.  She doesn't need everything money can buy.  She just wants to see and feel that you are interested in her enough to be willing to learn and grow with her. 

Not to bring my own ego into this (lol), but this is an area that I pride myself on being able to do.  Even in being Dominant, I pride myself on being able to please my partner, and knowing that I can do that for her.  I do get pleasure from pleasing...albeit in my own special Dominant way.  You can admit when you don't know, learn about it, and still be Dominant.  Anyone not willing to learn and grow and become a better person for their partner is headed for trouble in the long run.  I'm always willing to look at new things and activities, and adjust what I currently do and know how to do to make it better for us both.  As the picture says..."Learn to fuck me right!"  That's a great thing to be able to do and learn.  Be willing to do that.  Be willing to make adjustments and change.  Be willing to admit your shortfalls, and gain from them.  In the end, it will make you both better and happier people, as well as strengthen the relationship and the bonds between you. 

what should I do if my Dom is requiring more of me than I am prepared to give? Also, I feel like I'm not really getting anything back from him. I love him but I don't know what to do.... advice?

Thanks for the questions. The most important thing here is something that should be an integral part of every relationship, not matter what the dynamic is...communication. If you feel you are being pushed beyond where you are comfortable or want to go, then you should bring this up to him and have an open discussion about it. It's not about arguing and upsetting anyone. It's about you being able to express your concerns and what you do want and expect, as well as he expressing what he needs and why he has taken you so far. In any D/s dynamic, a sub needs to be able to share her thoughts, views, wants and needs. They can't be met if she doesn't share them, and her Dom should always be willing to listen to what she has to input into the relationship.

I'm all about pushing boundaries and limits. I think you have to push past your comfort zone to e able to progress and grow. Yet it needs to be done in steps. You have to walk before you run. You have to be worked up to the greater level of involvement. You can't just jump from A to D...you need to also go through B and C. A good and caring Dom will be happy to work with you on your concerns, take a look at things, and take a step back when necessary to be able to re-gain some footing. There will always be times in a relationship, especially D/s, where you hit a wall, and run into a potential conflict. These times show how strong the two of you are by how you can work each other through it and become stronger together n the end.

I hope this helps you at least a little bit. Feel free to let em know if you have further questions or concerns.

DV

Ask me anything

Fantastic Ass Friday (FAF)

I know...you are all anxiously trying to get on blogger this morning to see what asses I'm going to post this week.  You juts can't stand the wait.  Will it be guy?  Will it be girls?  What will it be?  Well...here we go so you don't have to wait any longer.


Last week was a good voting week, and several of the pics were in the running.  Thanks to all that voted.  The winner is posted t the right.  I can't say that I disagree with that winner!  :)  Now it's on to this week.  I hope you enjoy and that you all have a great weekend!

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DV