Not Me...No Sir...No thanks!

I read a post by Neo Dom Tom titled Submissives versus Submission.  In his post he discusses the difference between a person who is actually submissive in their relationship, and in contrast someone that only submits.  He wrote one particular paragraph that really jumped out at me. 

"There is a huge difference between pleasing your spouse because you think it will make the marriage better and that's an important goal in your life, and craving submission and domination, craving the feeling of having someone master you, needing it so badly that you feel like you'll fall apart without it."

Tom is right on the money with this statement, and couldn't have said it better.  There is a huge difference.  He is relating this to his desire for his wife to be his submissive, when the reality is that she is cannot be that for him.  It's just not in her and part of who she is.  After a long time of trying, he has come to this realization and knows that she will submit because it pleases him, but will never be a submissive, per se. For me personally, I need the someone who submits and is submissive.  Someone who craves that role and needs to be that for me, and also knows that she will get all she needs from me as well. 

This reminded me of something I used to say about sex in general in my vanilla marriage, which really is a whole other blog.  LOL!  But really I am serious when I say it, and have always said I want this to apply to any relationship which I am involved.  I DO NOT want sex from my partner because they feel obligated.  I don't want pity sex.  I absolutely despise that with everything I have in me.  For a lot of guys, it's about having sex.  Period.  About being able to dip their stick and get off on someone elses body as opposed to their own hand.  It doesn't matter the circumstances, as long as they get some and get off.

Not me...No Sir...No thanks!  I would rather do without than to be with someone who has no desire to be with me.  And there is nothing worse than the huff and puff and comments of when are you going to be done.  That makes me want to knock the hell out of someone.  That makes intimacy and sex nothing more than a waste of time and energy.  I need someone to be with me because they need to be with me as much as I do them.  Not because they feel obligated by marriage or the relationship to be intimate.  If that's the case you can keep your stuff to yourself, because I don't need it.  I am a very sexual person and need a partner that is as well.  I need someone that wants and needs close sexual intimacy as much as I do.

This tangent is about me and not Tom, so please don't think I'm saying anything negative at all about him.  I have a lot of respect for Tom, and consider him one of my blogland friends.  He seems to have a great marriage, and a very sexually active one that pleases them both.  So many people would be overjoyed to have the relationship he has with his wife.  This topic just got me to thinking about this situation and how it applies to me.  So many people seem to be stuck in relationships that just don't work.  The needs of each aren't being met, and probably never will be.  If the two of you aren't on the same page, there will be a lot of difficulties.  Trust me...I know.

Luckily, I have someone that fits in right where I need her to fit.  We are on the same page on almost everything.  Our needs, sexually and otherwise, ways of thinking, likes and dislikes, etc... are right in line with each other.  For years I tried to find my perfect match.  This is hard under good circumstances.  Throw the need for D/s or BDSM in the mix and it gets even harder.  I always said I would be picky and I would never settle for any less than what I wanted and deserved in a partner.

I have found that.  It's better than I ever hoped it could be, and is getting better all the time.  We are both growing and progressing in our relationship with each other personally, as well as with the dynamic that is a part of what we have.  I couldn't ask for anything more.  It has been worth every second of the wait to find her.  So see...it can happen.  You can find that one special person that is perfect for you.  Don't give up hope, and for God's sake...don't settle for less than what you need and deserve.  Once you find it, you will know without a doubt that it was worth all you have been through to get to that point and time in your life, and to be able to be with that special person. 

The Push-Pull Paradox

Many times people say things they think they mean.  They think they know what they are saying, and the result they want from what they have said.  This isn't always the case.  Sometimes our subconscious has other ideas.  Sometimes, deep down our psyche needs something different than what we really think it needs. 

We are all familiar, when it comes to BDSM and/or D/s, that there is the type person known as a brat.  This person purposely pushes and acts out with the intention of needing correction.  Correction is what they are seeking and hoping to get.  Being a brat is their way of getting the control and attention they need.  The brat wish push for the sake of pushing, just so they can feel the other person push back even harder.  In this dynamic, it is fairly clear what is happening and why.  It is not at all hidden, and is typically outwardly obvious. 

But what about when the person isn't a brat?  What about when the pushing isn't as obvious?  What about the times that what a person (in this case a submissive) needs is contrary to what they are saying?  That can be much more difficult to see, and can take a trained eye to notice.  Or more appropriately, it takes really knowing and understanding your partner. 

In my brat scenario, the brat is purposely pushing to feel the push back at them.  In many other cases, and I think this happens much more often in every type of relationship, there is almost a contradiction.  The push may come in the form of a withdrawal.  The submissive can pull back, or even seemingly disguise her withdrawal as giving what she sees as needed space for her Dominant.  She may not even realize herself that she is withdrawing and pulling back.  That is...until she does it and realizes that this move made things worse.  In essence what she is doing, in contrast to the brat pushing to be pushed, is pulling away in order to be pulled back.  Depending on all the circumstances at the time, if the Dominant is not paying attention and reading between the lines, he may very well miss all the indications of what is happening. 

There is some irony to this whole situation...or a paradox.  The sub is pulling back, when in reality she needs to be pulled closer.  She may need more attention, but is hiding it by indicating she needs less.  This can cause some real tension and issues, if you aren't aware of what is going on.    She says she needs or is giving her Dominant space, but the reality is that she needs comfort, at least some slight control, some definition to their dynamic, some attention, support, love and reassurance.  She needs to know you are the strong man you have said you are.  She needs to know that you really are the Dominant she has come to accept, and that you will stand up and be that person when she needs it most.  It doesn't really even matter the type relationship.  She just needs you to recognize her needs, even when she doesn't, and be there standing ready to give that to her. 

The push-pull paradox...it is something we all deal with and face at some point.  The key is to understand the possibility of it, and then be able to recognize it when it may be occurring.  And yes, I of all people know this is easier said than done.  Especially when it can be hidden and disguised under other behavior.  I am guilty of missing it myself.  It isn't always blatant and obvious.  The key is to know your partner as well as you can, and pay attention to their emotional needs.  When they are reaching out, be there to grab them and hold them tight.  It isn't easy.  It's never easy.  But in the end, when you are there for them and recognize their needs...that is when it is worth all the effort you have put into the relationship. 

Seeking Advice From You...All My Dear Followers

I recently received a email form a follower.  Actually more of a lurker, but that's beside the point.  Anyway...she is going through a very tough time in her life and with her submission.  Well, it's more of her lack of being able to submit due to not being in a relationship at the moment.  She asked for my help, and honestly didn't think I could do this alone. 

So, DV is here asking for help from you, my readers and followers.  I would love your comments and advice for this nice lady.  I know a lot of you have been through, or are going through, a similar situation.  Any advice and/or support you could give her, to let her know she is not alone, would be great.  I asked for and got permission to post parts of her email.  It has been altered a bit for security reasons and she will remain anonymous.  Oh, let's give her a name to make it easier.  How about...Becky!  Becky's email is as follows:

I read your post on laughter today.  You made some good points of keeping laughter in your life no matter what the situation.  Laughter has been sorely missing from my life lately, but it is coming back slowly.  Right now I am very isolated in my life and haven't found a way to change that.  No, I am not wallowing in self pity about the circumstances of my life or my ended relationship.  In fact, I have dealt better in this relationship ending than the ending of past ones.  I feel like I need to harden myself and shut off my emotions so I can get back to where I was this time last summer when I did not feel the "need" for a relationship.  I was happy alone then.  Yes, I had unfinished business from past relationships that I needed to resolve within myself and I did resolve them, and a lot of my ability to do that came from the help you gave me and the insight you had last year into how much I needed to let go of all I still carried with me and the huge walls around me.  I say this with confidence, that those past relationships are set to rest.  But, hardening myself and shutting off emotions is not the right way to become happy even though alone. 

 

However, when I read your "Laughter" post.  I realized, that I, like you said of yourself, have always been a person who liked to pick on people, joke around with them, be sarcastic, and tease them unmercifully at times.  In fact, I always said and still do that teasing is one of the ways I show affection to others.  May sound strange to some.  I like to kid around and be sarcastic, but sarcastic with a smile on my face.  But, in reading your post, I realized I have stopped doing all that now for a while.  I know that the man from my recent relationship was drawn to me by my joking, teasing, etc.  Just as with sex, crying, spanking, laughter is a good tension reliever.  I need to get my laughter, joking around, teasing self back.  So, feel free to pick on me to get me back into the groove.

 

You know, I have always been into spanking, but it was not a part of my recently ended relationship.  I am beginning to think that I may go through my entire life and never experience that even once during sex or for acting out.  Of course, there are other things I would like to experience in a D/s relationship, too.  Earlier, I mentioned that I needed to harden myself and shut off my emotions and get back to where I was last summer in being "ok" alone.  But, I feel very lost and disconnected without a relationship in my life now.  I went many years without it, locked that desire away, and then since this last man, I can't let go of the desire for D/s as a part of my life.  I know you can't let yourself fall into feeling lonely and sad, but rather keep a positive outlook, and open heart, and a smile on your face, and laughter as a tool and release.  I do that most days.  But, this morning I was thinking about tomorrow being my birthday.  Then I thought of what my life was comprised of the day before I turn another year older, as we all do, and realized there is no one person in this world to whom I am considered to be the most important person in their life.  The one person they live, breathe, learn from, grow for, and look forward to seeing every day.  It made me think that this fact is kind of a two-edge sword because even though I know each person, including me, is special and just as important to the world by themselves, alone; no less important because they are not connected to another person in a special relationship, we measure our lives and the importance of others around us based on who we love and who loves us totally and without reproach.  I have found that the loss of my recent relationship this past May to be particularly painful due to the intense connection, the dynamics of the relationship, the intertwine of submission and dominance, the extent of honesty, respect, and trust built up, the revelation of who we are at our core in order to realize the benefits of TTWD.  I have felt loss and heart sickness, and pain from the loss of past relationships (vanilla ones), but nothing like the "ripping and tearing" all the way down to my inner core from a D/s relationship loss.  You have to let all of "you" and who "you are" out and lay it before your partner in order to realize TTWD.  All of which makes the fall from the loss of a D/s relationship all the harder.  It is so much more hard coming out of a D/s relationship and finding a place within you where you can be at peace with your D/s desires yet not able to have someone in your life and a relationship with someone. 

I know that when D/s relationships end both the Dom and the sub are "cut to the bone" due to the intensity of their connection to each other.  The sub who has given to her Dom her complete trust in that he will be there to keep her safe and protected and her world even and balanced, looking only to him to lead and guide her, to bring her happiness in that he desires and values her submitting to him as much as she desires and values being able to submit to him, only him.  All of that is a "life line" connecting the sub to her dom.  She learns to depend on that "life line" and when it is suddenly yanked away, she is lost and left floundering.  Her "safeness and balance" is gone.  Yes, you miss the love, kisses, good times together, places you went that were special and all the other things that make up a couple's life together.  But, it is the loss of the "life line" between you and your Dom and the missing "safeness and balancing of your core being" that keeps you awake at night. 

 I know there are some of you out there that can relate to Becky's situation and feelings.  Anything you can say to help her cope and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel would be greatly appreciated.  Being the lurker she is, Becky will be reading your comments and may even chime in herself, if she so desires.  So, feel free to ask questions as well, because she can always respond as anonymous and signed Becky.  Thanks in advance to all of you for your comments and support.

DV

Begin Again (Making Tough Choices)

Life is full of tough choices.  Sometimes life runs smoothly and all seems well.  Other times life has a lot of bumps in the road you must navigate through.  It seems that there are a lot of times no matter what choice you make you are taking the wrong path.  It is these times that make and define who you are as a person...or at least who we turn out to be.  The defining of who you are may not be in making the choice itself, but in the consequences of making the choice and where that choice leads you. 

When it comes to relationships, there are many hard choices that you have to make.  Nothing to do with a relationship is easy.  It's hard work.  It takes time and effort.  The rewards of the efforts can be tremendously satisfying and joyful.  But what if the rewards aren't great?  What if all your time and effort gets you nowhere?  What if your time and effort leads you down a dead end road?  What if your relationship makes you less and less satisfied and and more and more miserable no matter how much time and effort you put into it?

If you are in this type of situation, then you have some huge choices to make.  Basically, there are two options for you.  First, you can choose to stay in your comfort zone where you feel somewhat safe, even though you know you will never be happy.  Second, you can choose to pick up your tent and move on, with the hope that you can find and have the happiness you deserve and desire.  Neither choice is easy.  No one likes to get outside of their comfort zone,  yet no one likes the thought of having to start all over either.  However...there are times when a fresh start and getting out from under all the pressures of a dead end situation is worth more than anything.  Sometimes it is great to be able to look forward and see light instead of staring into a darkness that never ends.  IT can be a chance to...Begin Again!

Beginning again is never easy, and it is never this cut and dry.  There are always many other factors that figure into these decisions.  There are finances, property, kids, jobs, homes, etc...  There are other things and other people to worry about than just your own reasoning.  I know this first hand.  I have been there.  I have done that.  I knew it was right for me, and I did it.  I picked up and moved on.  IT was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  I hurt some people along the way and caused a lot of grief.  Yet in the long run, and looking back now, it was the right decision.  Those I hurt will tell you it was the right decision, even though they couldn't see it at the time. 

That is what you hope and wish for everyone.  That your decision is truly what is best for everyone.  Even though it may cause giant ripples in the water now, you hope it turns into smooth water with a great sunset and a pristine view.  So do you stay where you are comfortable and stable, yet completely unhappy, or do you make the choice to move along hoping for the pristine view and potential happiness ever after?  Only you can make that decision.  Only you can decide which choice is right for you.  Unfortunately, there is no way to know ahead of time what is best.  After the fact you can Monday Morning Quarterback the situation until you are blue in the face.  All you can do is what you think is best for the long term and will make you the happiest.  Sometimes, the best thing to do is...Begin Again!

(FYI - before you ask, this is not about me directly, or about my current relationship.  It is something on my mind and I thought I'd share.  I'm no different than anyone, and have had and will continue to have some huge decisions in my life.  Decisions that will shape the future, and will shape me into the person I am to become.  Just some thing to think about and ponder)