Formspring Question

Over a week ago I received a question on Formspring.  The question was this:

Is there anything in BDSM that you don't like or disagree with?

I have been thinking about this question.  I haven't been real sure how to answer it.  I'm still not real sure how to answer it.  So to the person who submitted it...congrats because you stumped me.  I don't really know why this question is so difficult for me to answer.  But it has been nonetheless.  

I'm sure there are things that I don't like, from an activity basis.  Yet, I can't say that I have experienced them all, so there are things I have no idea if I like or not.  I can say there are some things that I know do not interest me.  There is the usual nasty things, such as piss and scat.  I have seen quite a few people on certain sites that seem to be into needle play and designs.  I can't say that this has any interest to me.  I'm not into branding and making permanent marks on someone. 

I guess I can touch on D/s versus M/s type relationships.  I do enjoy D/s immensely.  It seems to be an integral part of who I am at my core.  Yet, I have my own approach and way of going about things.  I'm very passionate and kind in my approach.  I'm not overbearing or overly stern.  I can be demanding at times, and will do what is needed to keep my sub in line though.  When we look at a M/s relationship, I'm not so sure I can or could do that.  I have written before about enjoying being able to cut up with my submissive and have a good time.  I like her to have a little sass and want to joke around.  As long as she knows her place and remembers that.  To me, M/s slave seems to be a bit more controlling and demanding.  I'm just not sure I could be that for a woman on a constant long term basis.  

There is a lot of overlapping and gray areas of the different dynamics and styles.  You just have to find the bits and pieces of what works best for you.  There are different dynamics I would enjoy trying to be a part of on a more regular basis.  HOH, D/s, 24/7, etc...  It's all about finding your niche and what best fills the needs of you and your partner.  If I want certain things and she doesn't, then that can be a problem.  The reverse is true as well.  If she needs certain things, and I don't want to do that or am not comfortable doing it, then that can be a problem as well.  This is why finding a suitable partner can be difficult, but is worth the wait when you do find your match.

The one thing that does bother me, which I have talked about before, is Dominants that have no clue what this is about or involves, but think it will be fun.  They think it's about being able to boss a woman around, command sex when they want, and in general be an asshole to her.  To them it is about being Domineering, as opposed to Dominant.  Maybe there is a place for it and some women like that.  I believe, though, that for the most part this isn't true.  It takes a special person to be able to be in charge of a woman and to fill her needs, take care of her, protect and care for her, and to understand her.  It's not just about being in charge.  It's about so much more.  Many guys miss this and don't understand it,and this is to the detriment of the submissive he is trying to control.  Just my opinion of course and what works for me, based on how I do things and how  feel.

To the person that submitted the question, I hope this answered it for you.  If not, please send another one and I'll try again.  I think I at last covered some of it for you, and hope it was adequate enough for what you were wanting to know.  

Realization Of The pleasure Dynamic

There comes a point in the progression of every submissive where they realize and feel a transformation.  Every new submissive knows that a D/s relationship involves service, obedience and direction, in addition to pleasure.  A lot of subs know there is an amount of pleasure that comes with being submissive, but there is something that they feel and come to realize that can't be taught.  There is something that they awaken to eventually, and it is a huge step in their mindset and being able to move forward and grow as the submissive they are and want to be.  What is it?  The true feeling and understanding that there is more pleasure in pleasing than being pleased.

This is something that can't be taught.  It can't be forced on someone and have the real effect the same as someone who truly feels it.  When working with a submissive, I am always delighted when I hear one say they have realized how much their own orgasm doesn't matter.  They have a feeling of emptiness with nothing but their own pleasure.  They are now becoming more concerned with the pleasure of their Dom, and knowing that he is satisfied.  Knowing that she and her body have been a source of pleasure and orgasmic satisfaction for him is far more exciting and pleasurable than strictly having an orgasm herself.  This is something she has to figure out, understand and come to grips with, within herself.  Until she feels it inside and on her own, it can't be fully comprehended.  But once it is, a major milestone in her submission has been reached.

Here is a prime example of what I mean.  I cam across this writing and it best shows this side and realization of a developing and growing submissive.  It is from an email that was sent to her Dom after one of her assignments.

"I just rubbed myself and came as directed.  You were of course filling my thoughts as I did it.  What was new was as the orgasm was ending, my hips were still moving.  The thought in my head was, "I need to know he has cum.  I need to have him cum in me.  I need to know he is satisfied."  I needed that more than my own orgasm.  I know this will end up in my journal I write for you, but I wanted to share it as the thought and feeling was new and fresh."

What a wonderful thing that is!  How great is it as a Dom to be a part of the growth of a submissive and to see her open up and feel new things.  To know you have guided her in a way that has enabled her to get to this point.  To know you have helped open her up to see and feel the submissive inside herself and to experience a brand new world she hadn't seen before.  It's just like having kids and seeing them accomplish new and exciting things and being so proud of them.  I'm sure all Doms/Masters have had this feeling of elation at seeing their subs grow and progress right in front of their eyes.  It is a great feeling to know what you are doing is making a positive impact.

The realization of the pleasure dynamic in a D/s relationship, and the sub truly feeling and understanding her own need to please, is absolutely fantastic.  May you all experience those "light bulb moments" in your endeavors that make you see things in a new light that you never had before. What a wonderful world we all participate in a the joys and pleasure that are part of it!