Dom All The Time? - Formspring

I received the following question via Formspring:

Should a Dom Dominate his submissive all the time, or just during play?

This is a pretty good question, especially for those new to the lifestyle...or whatever you want to call this.  A lot of this can seem overwhelming and confusing when you are trying to learn and get a grasp on all the different facets out there within bdsm.  When looking at how this is done, most of what someone will see has to do with the physical aspects of a D/s relationship.  They see the play, the bondage, the spankings, and whatever else you might come across.  That's just the main highlights of these types of relationships. It can leave one wondering how to actually go about the relationship itself. 

The answer to the question is...it all depends!  It depends on what the two people involved want the relationship to be.  Do you want it to just be sexual in the bedroom?  Do you want to have control outside the bedroom?  Do you want to have total control of every aspect of the subs life? What level of control does the Dom want and is the sub willing to give?  The list could go on and on. 

To a degree, this is a negotiation.  As a Dom, you have to figure out what you want and need from the relationship.  You have to know if you want control outside the bedroom, and if so, to what degree.  How do you envision this control playing out in real life?  What do you want and expect from it?  As a submissive, you have to ask the same questions of yourself.  Then, the two people can get together and see if their list of desires and visions matches up, or how well.  As a couple, you can work through your lists together to find some middle ground that fits what you both need.

The most important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to do this.  There is no step by step guide.  There is no bdsm or D/s police that are going to come by your house and tell you to stop because you're doing it all wrong.  There is only one rule that you need to follow above and beyond all else...DO WHAT MAKES YOU BOTH HAPPY!  Period!  The end!  That's all that matters.  As long as the two of you are happy with how you do things, nothing else matters.  Pick and choose the parts and pieces of this that are of interest to you, keep an open mind to additions later, and leave the rest on the shelf.  

Above all, enjoy yourself!  This should be fun and exciting.  It should meet some wants and needs and help you two become closer to each other.  It should build some bonds between you.  It should open the door to further and better communication.  Find all the good you can from it and enjoy yourself!  That's what it's all about!

DV

Formspring Question

"Hi I know I am submissive but I am ashamed of it! I try to act dominant because I don't want to be seen as a doormat by other people but another part of me *likes* caring and serving and well, doing submissive things. How am I meant to reconcile the two?"

Thanks for the question.  I think this is something that many submissives struggle with.  First of all I will say that in no way is TTWD meant to make you feel like or be treated like a doormat.  A lot of what you see and read about, or pictures you view, on the internet make this lifestyle come across that way.  Yet, the reality is that is only a very small portion  of the big picture and all that a relationship like this entails. 

It can be hard to reconcile with yourself all that you feel is expected of you...from a mother, to career woman, to keeping up and house, to being sexual and intimate with your partner, and so on.  I think the expectations that society puts on woman can be difficult.  From how a woman feels she is supposed to act and present herself, to being strong, assertive, and able to care for herself.  What you have to make yourself understand is that there is nothing wrong with what you want and need.  Everyone is different and needs different things. 

It's ok to need to submit.  It's ok to need to be cared for and protected by your man.  It's ok to have the need to serve him and give yourself to him completely.  As long as it makes you happy, and you get all you need from it, then that's what matters.  It doesn't matter what anyone else does or says.  It is your choice.  It's when you fully get that and feel it deep within your soul, and accept it as ok for you, even though it may not be for everyone...that ii when you will find happiness and peace.  As some captions on D/s pics I have seen have stated (I'll paraphrase)...it is by being bound and completely belonging to and being owned by him, that she she feels most free.

There is no need to be or feel ashamed of your desires.  You are feeling this way based on what you perceive is expected from you.  You have to be able to look beyond that for what is best for you as the individual you are.  I'm not saying this is easy.  Especially when you have spent your whole life believing or being taught to be a certain way.  Just know that is it ok to want, need, and feel the desires you have.  You and only you know what is best for you and what you need.  Don't let outside influences and the views of others deter you from being happy and who you truly are. 

I wrote a post back in April of 2010 about this very situation you have inquired about.  Here is that post:  Broken?  I think not!

DV

Formspring Comment

I received this on Formspring a couple of weeks ago, apparently.  I usually get an email notification when someone has sent me something on Formspring, but I didn't on this one, and just now found it.  I really do appreciate this comment, so I wanted to post it and respond to the sender.

The comment is:

 "I don't have a question, but just feel the need to tell you what a beautiful writer you are. You clearly give lots of thought to the words before you put pen to paper (so to speak). In this virtual world of horrible writers, and even worse spellers, I thank you for being a bright spot in my day. You give me a lot to think about as I embark on my new journey. My sincere thanks... your writing moves me."

Wow!  I didn't realize Fantastic Ass Friday made people so emotional.  LOL!  Ok, in all seriousness... Thank you so much for this wonderfully nice and sincere comment.  It is receiving feedback like this that seems to make it worthwhile posting my thoughts for all to see.  I do try my best to write grammatically correct (or at least within my style), and I do check my spelling before posting.  I won't say that it is A-One perfect every time, but I do try my best on that part.

I do give thought to what I write.  I'm not one that wants or likes to write just for the sake of writing.  For me personally, that is not enjoyable.  Yet, when I get a thought or an idea, I do love to be able to take it and make some sense out of it in a post.  Many times I think it helps me to write these thoughts down, and helps me learn more as a person and a Dominant by being able to share my thoughts.  Most importantly, it means so much to know that what I write, how I write it, and my views and opinions mean so much to someone.  To know that I can move and affect someone with my writing...well, I am most honored and humbled.   

I hope I don't disappoint and I can continue to deliver posts that are up to the level and standards you all expect from me.  I appreciate the thoughts and comments of all those that read my blog, whether you are anonymous or have an account.  Thank you all and I appreciate all your support!

~DV~

Formspring Issue (updated - see comments)

First of all, to the person that sent me a formspring question this morning and requested I not post it here...I did not get anything but the first couple of lines of what you sent.  For some reason my formspring cuts things off like that.  ARGH!!!  So please find a way to re-send it, as I would love to read the rest of what you wrote.  The easiest way may be to use my tumblr site and put it in my ASK box on there.  I know it works well, or standard email.  I hope to hear back from you and read what you had to say. 

Now...for anyone else that uses Formspring.  Do any of you have the issue I'm having?  I receive a question/comment, and it will show a sentence or two and then it cuts off.  I can't figure out how to read the rest of what was sent.  But obviously it is letting the sender type and send much more than what I am seeing.  Any assistance from any of you using FS would be greatly appreciated.

DV

Formspring Question/Comment

I recently received the following comment on my Formspring:

This isn't really a question. I just wanted to say I am really beginning to love the name Dauntless. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Man, this is daunting." And then I think Dauntless Vitality. Oh, I get it. Starting to love it. Really love it.

 

I'm not real sure how to reply to this honestly...other than to say thank you, and glad I can be of assistance.  I don't know which should scare you most...the fact that you are facing daunting situations, or that when you do you think of little ole me.  LOL!  Whatever the case, thank you and I am flattered.  

While we are at it, let's look into this a bit further, and I'll give you a little insight into me.  When I originally came up with my pseudo name for the internet and email (DauntlessVitality - DV), I had to think on it for a long while.  I wanted something first of all that didn't sound stupid or cheesy.  I wanted something that would stand out and resemble someone strong and stable.    Yet, it also needed to truly be me and who I am.  Something that was characteristic of me.  So what's a guy to do but break out the dictionary and thesaurus.  Back and forth, and back and forth I went in looking up words and meanings based on how I would describe myself.  

I see my self as dauntless...meaning fearless, bold, courageous.  My commenter mentioned the word daunting, or being overwhelmed or intimidated.  That I am not.  I am calculated and not easily intimidated.  I needed another word though too.  Just calling myself Dauntless didn't feel right.  Back to the books I went.  I ended up with the word vitality.  That was me for sure...full of life and power and an enduring person.  Yep, I had it!  Enduring, fearless, and full of life.  That is me for sure.  I started using DauntlessVitality and never looked back.  It has stuck with me and has served me well.  

So, back to my formspring comment...I'm happy I can assist you with being able to see and get it.  When ever you feel overwhelmed, just think of being fearless and full of life, and someone that can endure.  If me being here, and you thinking of me in those times of trepidation, helps you in some way, then I am glad I can do that for you.  Sometimes we all need the strength of someone else to help pull us through a tough time.  If I can do that for you, my anonymous commenter, then being here is worthwhile, and all my ranting and thoughts and views on my blog have made a positive impact.  

So, thank you for the kind words!  

(of course I could be completely misinterpreting the comment, in which case please correct me.) 

 

Formspring Question - Being Under Protection

I recently received a question on Formspring in regards to "Being Under Protection" and what that means.  Unfortunately, the question was cut off so I didn't get to read the full question.  Yet, I think I got the main point of it.  For some reason my Fomspring does that.  It's like a text message, and only allows so many characters.  Anyway...

Rather than answer that here, I'm going to make a referral to another blogger and post.  She wrote about this very thing a couple of days ago, and I left a comment in regards to it.  The blogger I mention is Blossom, and her post is "Protector".  Click on the post title to go to it. 

I hope this helps to answer your question my dear anonymous formspring questioner.  If not, feel free to try again, or better yet, email me directly. 

DV

Formspring Question - Being a Brat

"I'm submissive by nature but I can also be an opinionated brat. My Dom loves it mostly but my brattishness has become abundant lately and its causing problems. Outsiders wouldn't think I'm subbie at all. Any suggestions how we could fix my brat side?  Thnx!"


Well this is an interesting situation.  A fairly short question will end up receiving a fairly lengthy answer.  Having said that, I will admit up front that I don't have direct experience in dealing with a brat.  I will however use my years of experience in life and D/s to at least give you my opinion.  Hopefully some of my readers and followers can chime in as well with comments to shed some light and their experience to assist with this answer.

I won't begin to tell you how to directly fix this, but I will tell you what I think makes you act this way and why you do it.  At first glance, I want to be a bit harsh...I want to come right out and say that if you act bratty, and you know it, and you know it's causing problems, then just stop acting that way.  Seems like a simple answer.  Yet, I think there is more to it than that.  That very well may be like asking me to quit being Dominant...or like asking a dog to be less dog and act more like a cat.  It just isn't in the cards.  It's part of who you are and your personality.

I think there are reasons for your behavior.  You say you are submissive by nature, which I will not doubt.  But, I think you need to feel the Dominance and Control over you.  You need to be made to submit.  You need to feel a strong Dominance presiding over you.  You act out, as in being a brat, to be able to see and feel the Dominance as it is used to rein you back in.  Being a Brat is your way of asking for attention, and asking to being Dominated and Controlled.  You need that figure to step up and put you in your place.  That is what makes you feel like the submissive you need to feel like. 

You also stated that your being a brat has been in abundance lately, and I will assume that not only have you been a brat more lately, but have also been more of a brat.  Not just pushing a little, but pushing a whole lot.  This to me screams of a cry for attention.  It is you pushing and testing his position as your Dominant.  You need the attention more right now, for whatever reason, and are stepping things up to see if he will step up as well and be who you want and need him to be.  Or, maybe this is your way of trying to take things a bit further without actually having to come out and say it.  You are raising the bar and seeing if he takes the hint and does what you are wanting.  Sounds a bit like topping from the bottom, but that's a whole other post and situation.  Or is it?  Maybe you are controlling to a degree by being a brat and pushing to get the desired response you need?!?!

So...how do you fix this?  I will suggest this...talk, talk and talk some more.  Good open honest communication is key to everything.  You two need to discuss your situation, why you both feel you are behaving the way you are, and then both discuss his responses to it.  This isn't meant to be argumentative at all, just talk it through.  It is a way for the two of you to better understand each other, and why you are responding to each other the way you are.  It's to help you learn more about each other, to grow as a couple, and ultimately become closer.  Then you have to figure out and decide if you can back off, and if he can be the Dominant you need.  That doesn't mean he's a bad Dominant or person at all.  If your behavior, though, is causing problems, then there is a chance he can't step up, or isn't comfortable, having to hover over and control you that much.  Only the two of you can talk this through, look at the reasons behind everything, and then decide where to go from here. 

I look forward to all the comments that may point out something I'm missing, or different views of this altogether!

DV

Formspring Question

Dear Sir. I've talked to my husband about wanting him to be more dominating. While he seemed to listen, I don't feel like he's taking me seriously. I don't know what to do to get him to understand just how serious I am.

I received this in my Formspring.  First of all let me say to the anonymous sender, your message cut off, but I think I get the main point of it.  You can email me if there is more I need to be aware of or that you would like to discuss. 

This can be tough.  I will try to touch on several points.  They may be wrong, or may be right, or a mixture thereof, but they are my opinion, so here we go.  First of all I think it is obvious that you are, or at least have, a real submissive side to you.  I'm not sure how old you are, but I'll at least assume you are mature enough to be discussing this, since you are married and I get the feeling have been for a while.  I think many women come to realize, or accept, their submissive needs as they mature.  A lot of the women I have talked to and dealt with, and are newly accepting of their submissiveness, are at least in their mid-thirties, if not older.  I think it is a great thing that you feel you need this enough to bring it up to him and want to discuss it.  So many couples have communication difficulties and can't talk about their sexual needs and desires with each other.  No less meet those needs and  desires.  So, the fact that it is strong enough of a pull inside you to even ask this of him is a good thing.

As far as your husband goes, he may not be taking you seriously.  I'm not sure how you have approached him, or to what level you have talked about it together, but I would say to continue to talk.  It needs to be calm rational discussions about what you want, why you want it, and what you need and expect of him.  You need to make him understand just how important this is to you.  Hopefully he can be open enough with you to discuss his side of your request.  To discuss his issues and problems with it, if he has any, and why he would or wouldn't be interested in this.

There are some reasons that he may not be taking you seriously, at least in your eyes.  He may be haring you loud and clear, but pushes it aside hoping that it just goes away.  Why would he do this?  For one because he feels inadequate.  Maybe he feels like he can't do what you are wanting him to.  This is a classic cover-up by a male.  We are just like that.  When we feel inferior, especially sexually, we will either lash out and over-exaggerate to cover ourselves, or we will avoid and hide to not have to deal with it.  If this is the case, it takes a strong man emotionally to be able to open up to you about these inferior feelings, and then be able to work through them together.  This can be very difficult for a guy, and for some guys impossible. 

Another option could be his personality.  Maybe he is not naturally Dominant.  Maybe what you are asking of him is way outside of his normal box, and he isn't comfortable going there.  That doesn't mean he is any less of a man.  It is just a role his personality doesn't allow him to move into, at least not easily.  A lot of men are also brought up to always treat a woman as a lady, and to respect her.  Many times, venturing into bdsm goes against the way he has been taught to treat a woman.  So, this can be a social factor that makes it hard for him.  You have to reassure him that you are no being degraded or treated any less than any other time.  this is something you want and need from him. 

Whatever the reason for his not being accepting of your requests thus far..communication is the key.  the two of you must talk about it openly and honestly with each other, and being willing to say why you do or don't want certain things.  there are always compromises in your play that can fit the needs for you both.  You just have to be willing to talk about it and find that middle ground.  It may not be easy, and there may not be a quick fix, but it can be done.  Love and marriage is about compromise and meeting each others needs.  If this is that important to you, and what you want and need is important to him, then together you can work through this and find a place that is good for you both.  I hope this answered your questions, or at least helps a bit.  Even if they are anonymous, I would love your comments and thoughts, and any additional information you can provide. 

Thanks for the question!

DV

Formspring - Have you ever thought about or tried being a sub?

This is a question I got on Formspring.  Very interesting!  Well...I can't say I've ever been asked this before. The truth is however, I have at least tried to put myself in a subs shoes. I've tried to imagine myself being in that position. That is very difficult for me to imagine. Even thinking about it I don't feel comfortable. I guess it's like a lot of subs saying they have to be in charge in their vanilla life and they hate that. Life demands it, but it just is so not who they are and want to be.

I will say that there are times when I do like an aggressive woman. One that doesn't mind telling you what she thinks and wants, and isn't afraid to go after it. Especially sexually! There are times when it is nice to have her come and be the aggressor and do her thing. That doesn't mean I'm giving up control necessarily, or being submissive either. Just that sometimes it's nice to see a woman become the instigator and go after what she wants and needs, rather than waiting to be directed or told. Not only do I enjoy it, but it shows me where her mind is, what she likes and wants, and that getting it is on her mind.

So..can I be, or try to be submissive? No! It just won't work for me. I could try, but I would feel so uncomfortable doing it that I never would be able to enjoy it.

DV

Ask me anything

More Formspring Questions

If you are busy and your submissive needs you, would you prefer that she deal with it on her own (and you discuss it later) or would you help her even then? 

Is a too busy Dom a bad Dom? 

 I received these two questions in my Formspring.  First off let me say, that I know Friday is Formspring day for most of you.  However, for me I already have a Friday obligation (FAF), so I will just answer these as they come to me and I have time to answer them.  Second, both questions are similar and I'm not sure if they are from the same person or not.  Regardless, I will answer them the best I can.

A busy Dominant seems to be the topic of concern.  This can be a touchy issue.  The short answer to the first question, will I help my sub even if I'm busy, is YES!  I think it is the Doms responsibility to help and assist his submissive whenever she is in need.  At least the best he can under his particular circumstances.  

There is a longer answer to this.  I think it greatly depends upon the relationship, each person's specific situation, and what the Dom is busy doing.  If you are like me, and you know about my home situation, we are not living together or in a place where we can see each other frequently, then that makes things a bit different.   We both understand our situation and the dynamic of our relationship and the others involved in our lives.  So..should I help my sub even if I'm busy?  Yes!  However, she also has to understand that I may be in the middle of other obligations, and I will help her as soon as I possibly can do so. 

On the second question, is a busy Dom a bad Dom?  I think this depends.  As you long as you both understand your respective situations, then it can be worked around.  IF you are interested in a Dom who is very busy, and you need more than he can give you, then it can be a problem.  This is something the two of you need to openly discuss and lay out there for each other.  You each need to be open about what you need and expect and see if it can be worked out between you.  If one of you can't give the other as much as they need, then this may be something that doesn't fir or work.  So, is a busy Dom a bad Dom?  It doesn't make him bad or any less Dom.  It just may not make him the right Dom for you.

 DV