The Time And Effort She Deserves...

There are a lot of different facets to this lifestyle.  There are many ways to go about carrying out the power exchange dynamics we all enjoy, and none of them are wrong.  We all go about doing things a little different and in ways that work best for us and our relationships.  Yet, there are some similarities across all of the dynamics in how a Dominant needs to conduct himself.  There are certain behaviors that I see as being mandatory and not up for discussion.

Anyone can cause pain and create marks on someone else.  Anyone can be aggressive and controlling.  Anyone can spend a little time in a scene with someone and push their limits.  The pain will go away.  The bruises will go away.  The marks will eventually fade and go away.  As a Dominant, it's the way you treat your submissive outside of these times that will stay with her and will last.

A Dominant has to give his submissive care and support throughout their relationship.  He has to offer reassurance and encouragement.  He has to make her feel appreciated for her submission, what she is willing to endure for him, and even as the woman she is in being his partner.  This sin't something that is only part of a scene together.  It has to be part of the entire relationship, every single day.  It is this being there for her, and helping support her in being who she is for you, that will last and stick in her mind.  It is being treated like she is important and that you care that will stay with her most.

It never ceases to amaze me how so many "Dominants" think being Dominant is just about the scene, using her sexually, or making her suffer pain.  They just want the action and fun and then are on their way.  They don't understand aftercare and the importance of it.  They don't understand continual ongoing care and the importance of it.  They don't understand that it's the time between your scenes that are most important.  This time is what helps her process what happened, gives her constant reassurance, and makes her want and need more from you.

A Dominant cannot just be  part of the scene and then disappear or not put forth any effort.  It's this effort that solidifies and reinforces who she is and what she gives.  She cannot be left floundering on her own to deal with everything.  As a Dominant, you have asked for her submission and she has given it to you, so you have to be willing and able to take her on.  Her submission is not just about the actual physical acts, but helping her learn and grow in addition to that as well.  If left to herself she will not be getting what she needs from you.  She will withdraw.  She will lose trust in you as her Dominant.  She will lose respect for you as her Dominant.  Ultimately this will mean you lose her submission to you.  Once this happens, it will be very difficult to regain, if not impossible.

A power exchange relationship, of whatever dynamic you choose, is a constant ongoing process and exchange.  It's not just for the fun aspects and when it's convenient.  When you invest yourself and your time into your partner, you can find more than you ever dreamed and get more from your partner than you ever knew you could have.  If you don't give the time and effort, you are doomed to fail.  She is worth and deserves that effort from you as her Dominant.  Don't be that guy that just uses her for your own enjoyment and pushes her aside.  Be the Dominant she needs all the time.  I promise you will get more in return than you ever imagined, and it will continue to only get better.

~DV~

Handing Over The Belt...

One of the things I love about pictures is there is no right or wrong way to look at them.  We each see something different within the same image.  This is one reason I have always enjoyed using pictures with my submissives.  I can send a picture, or a link to a picture, and ask her to tell me what she sees, to tell me what she feels within the picture, or even to put herself in the picture and tell me what she feels about being in that situation.

This is a great tool for learning about her and how she sees things.  Maybe how she sees herself in this lifestyle.  How she sees different aspects of the lifestyle.  What her wants, needs and desires may be for herself as a submissive or from me as a Dominant. The information that can be gathered from a discussion about a picture can be so valuable.  It is being able to get inside her head and know more of how she thinks and feels.  About what drives her.  Once she shares her view, feelings, and thoughts, then I can do the same.  Sometimes our views may match, and other times it may be an opportunity to look at a situation or scene different than we had before.

Recently I was presented a picture and asked to give my view about it.  It was of a woman with a belt in her outstretched hand, as if she was offering it to her Dominant to use on her.  I think it's one thing to use a belt on a woman and make her submit to it.  Yet, it comes from a totally different place when she is bringing you the belt and asking for it.  My comment went like this:

Bringing me the belt.  Needing to be beaten so badly that you would ask for it.  Needing me to help you clear your mind and make you feel your place.  Needing to feel my possession, the force, and my control over you.  Needing to feel your own submission to it.  And knowing once I start, you don't get to decide when I'm done or you have had enough.  That is up to me and only me!

That was my initial view and what I saw in the picture when I looked at it.  I know it takes a very strong and secure woman, with a lot of trust for her partner, to be able to come to him and ask for a spanking or a beating.  That is where my viewpoint was based.  What I got back in response to my viewpoint really caught me off guard and made me think.

I have to admit, there is an appeal or maybe curiosity in everything about this.  I know how the belt feels and I can't exactly lie and say I don't enjoy it.  But how it can clear ones mind, give them the reset or release they need is very intriguing to me.  I do love the thought of coming to him on my knees, handing him the belt and asking for help.  Feeling safe in asking to be beaten.  Trusting that there's not judgement, only understanding.  Then feeling his total possession and control as I put myself in his hands, trusting that he will give me what I need.  And yes, knowing that only he decide when I've had enough and it's done.  I think that this could possible go both ways though.  There has to be a great feeling for him during this too.  Feeling and expressing Dominance and power.  Maybe not the same sort of reset or release, but similar.  So maybe the scenario is 

​that he had some long days at work with traveling and one thing after another.  I can see and feel the stress weighing on him when he gets home.  So I come to him, hand him his belt, strip, and offer my ass (head down ass up) to beat.  Clearing his mind and giving him the release he needs.  Submitting to and taking the pain because that's what Master needs.  The amount of love, respect, and trust it entails (for both of us) is simply beautiful to me!

Hmmmm... I hadn't looked at it that way before.  I tend to look at so much of what I am and do as a Dominant revolving around my submissive.  Having it revolve around her needs and her desires and what she needs from me.  Yes, I may talk about what I get from her and what I can take from her because she is mine, but that still fits within her needs as well.  But this...this was different.  This was the point of view of a submissive offering and giving herself, maybe even to her own detriment and suffering, for the betterment and happiness of her Dominant.  Not being asked to take it or endure it for him.  Not being made to withstand the lashes from the belt.  But rather offering herself and her body to be his release, his stress relief, to help ease what he has build up inside.

To me, this is the ultimate essence and goal of what Dominance and submission are about.  This is about as deep as it gets and comes from a place of love and devotion.  This is putting your partners needs and well being above and beyond your own.  This is being willing to give all you have to give, and suffer in doing so, not necessarily for pleasure but for the betterment of your partner and caring enough to need to do that.  

This really did make me think and look at the picture in a different light.  It made me look at what submission really can be and how precious it is when you have that from someone as a Dominant.  Just how far your submissive may be willing to go for your happiness.  Just what she may be willing to endure for you to help you feel better and relive your stress.  This is the beauty of what this lifestyle really can behold.

~DV~

The Duality of Domination...

Certainly there are many ways to go about participating in this lifestyle.  We all have our own way of doing it.  We all need different things from it.  Yet, the common core of it is Domination by one person and submission by the other within a relationship together.  This aspect is something that both people need for their respective roles.  It's a part of who they are and they don't feel complete without it.

There are two sides, or a duality, to the roles we choose to adhere to within this lifestyle.  There is an active side and passive side.  Meaning, you can actively Dominate or submit, or you can passively Dominate or submit.  As a Dominant, submission from your partner is gained over time.  It is earned.  You become respected in your role as a Dominant by your actions and being the person the submissive has come to need, desire, and crave.  You didn't get that submission by just sitting around, beating your chest, roaring, and calling yourself a Dominant.  You didn't get that submission by just demanding submission.  You gained it over time by actively being the Dominant you claim to be.  You got it by your actions reinforcing your words.  You got it by assuming and taking on that Dominant role and the submissive being able to see and believe in you as that leader.

The problem that can arise in many relationships is the Dominant not maintaining the active role in Dominating.  Once he has a submissive he becomes more passive in his approach.  He doesn't feel as though he has to actively Dominate and the the submissive should just submit, obey and serve in belonging to him.  To a degree, this can be acceptable.  He has earned his place as her Dominant and she should submit because of that.  She should submit because he is the Dominant and in charge.  She should submit and serve because she needs to do that for him.  Yet, being constantly passive and just expecting submission without putting forth effort will lead down a path of destruction in the relationship.

The active Domination is what gained her submission in the first place.  It is what earned her trust and respect in how you Dominate and show yourself as a leader.  It is what fills her needs as a submissive by having you be that Dominant she desires.  Throughout the relationship you must continue to actively be Dominant with her.  This is what she needs to feel from and with you.  This is where she really feels her submission, which is what she needs.  She needs to see and be reminded that you are that person she fell for, cares for, and the one she gave her submission.

Domination and this lifestyle is not about doing all the work on the front end so you can sit back and coast later.  It's not about just being able to always sit back and have someone serve you.  If a Dominant doesn't continue to fuel the submissive fire within his submissive, then that fire will begin to fade.  Problems will arise if she doesn't continue to have more fuel put on the fire, as the old fuel burns away.  It is a constant effort to maintain any relationship, and one that has the aspects of Domination is no different just because there is some power exchange involved.  Her submission is never to be taken for granted, and you must continue to earn it to keep it.

In an established relationship, there does not have to be a constant level of active overt Domination.  Her submission has been earned, and that comes with a certain level of being able to Dominate just because of your role, or passively Dominating.  Yet, there is a balance that must be maintained and kept to keep the relationship in order and on track.  A balance between being able to use your Dominance based on what you already earned versus what you have to continue to earn.  A Dominant, although maybe not as much as early on, has to keep actively Dominating his submissive to enable her to feel what she needs from you and keep that fire burning.

Don't just sit back and expect your submissive to be at your beck and call with no effort on your part.   Continue to physically Dominate her through the  relationship.  Continue to push and test her submission.  Continue to show her where her place is with you.  Continue to use and enjoy her.  Continue to make her submit to you and give her no other option.  Or at least do this enough to maintain the balance of the relationship.  After all, it's who you both are and what you both need from each other.  Any relationship takes work, and this is no exception.  Yet the rewards an be great and help you keep a strong, lasting, and close relationship that fulfills the needs of you both.

~DV~

The Fear Of Fantasies...

Dominants and submissives alike often times have trouble coming to terms with the things they fantasize.  With the things the find themselves desiring.  With the things they find themselves craving within this lifestyle.  Although, I do think it is harder for a female submissive to come to terms with than it is for the Dominant.  The main reason for this?  They are looking at and comparing themselves incorrectly.

  As a Dominant, I have had the pleasure of dealing with quite a few female submissives.  Some were in real time and real life, while others were by some sort of electronic means in offering advice, answering questions, giving guidance, etc...  In my approach, as many of my followers know, I require complete open and honest communication.  I do not allowing hiding, running away, or avoid the truth.  I will require to know her thoughts desires, fantasies, what thoughts she masturbates, to, and what really gets her off.  I think this is vitally important so that I can understand her, see how she thinks, and what she needs as a submissive.  Without this information, how can I possibly be a Dominant towards her?!?!

A common theme appears to be the submissive having trouble coming to terms with her desires, as she can see her fantasies as being very dark and twisted.  The problem with this is that she is comparing these fantasies to the vanilla world.  Yes, as compared to the vanilla world, where even just having sex with the lights on may be consider really kinky, then of course the thoughts of BDSM and D/s can seem dark and twisted.  Yet, what I think is my job and duty is to help make her see that I think the same as she does.  That I'm even more dark and twisted than she is.  That as compared to me, she isn't as dark and twisted as she may have originally thought.

The key to this is making her see that she will not be looked upon poorly for what she desires and fantasizes. That she will not be laughed at or made fun of for wanting these things.  As a Dominant, it is essential that you give her encouragement and support.   You have to make her feel accepted and desired for these thoughts.  She has to be able to reach a place where she feels comfortable in sharing and being open because she knows she is accepted for it and for what she shares.  She has to be reassured and helped to understand what it is she is desiring and needing.  If she doesn't receive this, then she will withdraw and you will never get it out of her.  She has to feel safe and secure with you in order to be this open and share things this intimate about herself.  It is a very vulnerable place for her, so it must be handled with care.

So that is what I mean about a submissive comparing themselves incorrectly.  You can't compare to vanilla people.  You have to compare apples to apples against other kinky people.  As a Dominant, you have to help her see it from a level playing field, and to see that she isn't as dark and twisted as she may have thought.  To see that it's ok to want and need these desires, and that she is accepted for them, and they can even be expected of her.

Help her embrace this side of herself that she is trying to open up to give you.  Make her feel safe in her vulnerability to you, as her Dominant.  I can promise you... the benefits you will receive from this will be well worth the effort in all you will get from her and her submission in trusting you more and deeper than before.  And all because you helped her understand her desires, and made her feel accepted for having them.

~DV~

The Mental and Emotional Benefits...

I read a post a week ago by P Surren titled "Statistics is Becoming a Real Pain in My Ass".  Most of the

post was about her struggles with her statistics class and how much she hates and doesn't understand it.  But that's not what the main point of the post was, at least not to me.  You see, as much as she was struggling and stressing over it, it was the spanking her Daddy gave her that helped get her focused and back on track.

We are all involved in this lifestyle for many reasons.  We all get something from it and need things from it that help us stay in balance and feeling our best.  Without it, we feel as though we are lacking or missing something.  There is a void.  Sometimes it's the physical aspects we need.  Sometimes it's the mental and emotional calmness it gives us.  And sometimes it is the combination of it all.

As much as we all read and see the sexual aspects of this lifestyle, it's not always about the sex.  It's what is behind the sex that we thrive on.  It's the power and control that drives us.  For some, it's giving up that power and control.  For others, it's having it and being able to exert it.  Yes, that may bring about the sexual play and arousal, but it's the power, or lack thereof, that we need the most.

In the case of P Surren it had nothing at all do to with sex, and I think in the day to day lives we lead within this lifestyle, that is typically the case.  It's being in our roles and place for each other within our relationships. There are submissives that need the guidance, leadership and Dominance of their partner, and there are the Dominants that need to be able to lead, be in control, and have the submission of their partner.  Each one works together to be what the other needs.  Each feeds off the other.  We need this exchange back and forth to be able to be who we are, to feel right, and to feel like ourselves...to feel balanced and centered...to feel focused.

For P Surren, she was off-kilter, couldn't focus, and was really stressed and having a hard time.  Her Daddy recognized this, called her aside, and gave her the spanking she needed to be able to let go of the stress, clear her mind, and get back on track.  What it the spanking itself?  Was it her Daddy stepping up, taking the lead, recognizing her problem, and taking action with his Dominant position?  I believe it was a combination of both.  It was both of these things that she needed to relieve her stress, be able to feel more like herself, and get re-balanced.

I think this speaks loudly to the essence of what this lifestyle is and means to us.  It's not just about the sex, or bondage, or wild play.  It's about the peace and serenity it gives us.  It's about the benefits we see on a mental and emotional level from being involved in a power exchange relationship.  In no way is this what everyone likes or needs, or is it for everyone.  Yet, I think the basis of it is pretty much the same for us all.  It centers around the exchange of power and roles in the relationship, and just how much we really do need that in our lives.  It helps provide the balance we need to feel like ourselves through the expression of this give and take of Power and Dominance.

This is certainly not just geared towards the submissive either.  I think this is just as much of a need for the Dominant.  As much as the submissive needs to feel this power over her, the Dominant needs to feel his power and control and know that it is expected of him, accepted from him, and that his actions in being this way do have great benefits to his submissive.  In the case of P Surren, I'm sure her Daddy got just as much from the spanking as she did.  There is no better feeling for a Dominant than the satisfaction of seeing his submissive happy and content from his Dominance, and knowing she is that way because of him.

We all gain from this, Dominant and submissive alike.  The mental and emotional benefits for us are great.  And when everyone is happy and content, the rest of the relationship will be able to flourish and go farther as well.  So, go do some spanking, or whatever activity you prefer, and find your balance and happiness.  It's waiting for you!

Life Lessons BDSM Taught Me...

For those that don't know, I reside in the southeastern US.  Yes, you know the place...where everyone allegedly wears overalls, makes moonshine, is missing half their teeth, talks with a severe drawl, dates an marries their cousins, drive s pickup truck, goes muddin' on Saturday night....you know all the stereotypes.  Compared to many areas of the country, this area is very conservative and set in their ways and thinking.   I live in the bible belt where you go to church or your going to hell.  I've yet to figure that one out...isn't there some type of requirement to believe God or something?!?!  Anyway, no matter what anyone says, race is still a big issue in the south as well.  Alternate lifestyles...holy crap!  The thought of BDSM, same sex relationships, or anything else out of the ordinary, is almost enough to give some people a heart attack or stroke right on the spot.

I will admit, in years past I wasn't as open minded as I am now.  I may have had views and opinions that aligned with some of the above mentioned stereotypes.  So what changed?  I did...and becoming involved in the bdsm community changed me.  It wasn't a quick overnight change.  It wasn't sudden.  But over time, and being more involved, I began to change and evolve into a more understanding and tolerant person.

The one thing I have learned most over the years is that just because someone is different, doesn't mean it it wrong.  It's just different.  Spending time on tumblr, spending time on FetLife, reading all the blogs (yes that means all you freaks reading this very post - lol), it all shows you just how many different avenues there are in this world that people venture down, and the same goes for the BDSM lifestyle.  What I used to see and think was over the top crazy weird, and think people were a bunch of total freaks, I now see as people enjoying being who they are and being happy expressing themselves.

These days I see myself as being one of the freaks, so to speak, at least in my own way.  I realize there are a lot of people that look at my lifestyle choices and think it's outrageous.  There are others that see what I do as very mild.  Conversely, I see a lot of people that I think are very mild and, others that I still think are freaks and do some really weird stuff.  The difference now, though, is that I say freak with love behind it.  We all do what we like and what makes us happy.  My kink and lifestyle isn't for everyone else, just as the kinks and lifestyle of some others is in no way for me.  These days I can look at other's choices and understand that it is the personal choice and kink, and as long as it works for them then fantastic.

I am much more accepting of others these days.  I have learned that we all have our thing and do what works for us, what we need, and what makes us happy.  That doesn't mean I have to like it, want it for myself, and want to be involved, but I am understanding in knowing that it is what works for them.  I have become more liberal in my stance and views (no that does not mean Democrat), and tolerant of the lifestyle choices others choose to live by.  Those choices don't make them bad or make them wrong...they are just different than me, just as my choices aren't wrong, but are what I need and works for me.

So I leave you with this... try to be understanding of others and the choices they choose to live by.  Just as you may look at someone and think they are weird or doing something that seems out of sorts, they very well may be looking at you the same way.  Just realize that they are different than you, but that doesn't make them bad people.  If they aren't forcing their ways down your throat, you shouldn't do it to them either.  Only try to understand they are doing what works for them and makes them happy.

This is a life lesson I have learned over my 20 something years on this earth (cough cough)...okay, forty something.  And this is a life lesson I very well may not have learned were it not for D/s, BDSM, and this lifestyle I have chosen to make part of my life.

Advice For New Dominant...

I was recently asked on tumblr... What advice would you give to someone just starting to embrace his Dominant side?

This is a great question.  Most of the time the questions revolve around the sub, so having one about the Dom is nice.  The first thing I will tell you is to have an open mind and realize that the things you want is ok to want.  It may be against many societal norms, and against how we as men are taught to treat a woman, but that doesn’t make it wrong.  The key to this is consent from the sub.  You shouldn’t treat just anyone as if you are Dominant, but to Your sub, as long as it’s consensual and something you both want and need, it’s perfectly acceptable and is what works for the two of you.  Coming to terms with this mentally can be hard for many Doms.  

Second, you need to learn and figure out what you need as a Dom, what you like and don’t like, and what kind of Dom you are.  This isn’t something that comes quickly and sometimes comes with trial and error.  Just because you see it on tumblr, or read it somewhere doesn’t mean you have to do it or be like that to be a Dom.  That’s the beauty of this…you can figure out what you like, and leave the rest behind.  there is no right or wrong way to do this, only the way that works best fr you.  Everyone is different and an individual, so they need to find what they need and works for them.  Along this same line, is finding a sub that matches well with your own likes and dislikes.  You have to be on the same page or it will never work.  If you have a sadist streak and she isn’t at all masochist, then that will be a real problem.  So, you have to learn and know yourself, as well as learn and know your sub.  

Third…trust, respect and communication…to me the pillars of a D/s relationship.  Being able to be completely open and discuss things with your sub is essential.  Trust and respect goes both directions, from sub to Dom and Dom to sub.  These things are not something Dom can be require or demand…they are earned.  And to earn these things takes time.  You also have to understand that trust and respect can be easily lost, and very hard, if not impossible, to regain.  So be mindful of this, because without trust and respect for each other, you have nothing in a D/s relationship.  

Last, but certainly not least, you never know it all and are never God’s gift to all the submissive’s in the world.  Treat all people in the lifestyle with dignity and respect.  It can take a long while to learn and find your way, but that’s half the fun of the journey.  You never know everything there is to know, no matter how long you have been in this lifestyle, and can always learn more and try to become better.  You are only Dom to the one that chooses to accept you in that role, not to everyone or anyone just because they declare they are submissive.  Even with the one you can call your own submissive, don’t discount her thoughts, views and opinions.  She can teach you just as well as you can her.  She may see something differently than you that you haven’t thought of before.  You don’t just get to tell and control, more often than not you have to listen.  

Believe in yourself and believe in her.  Work together to grow, progress and become more and better.  It’s a lot of work and effort but the rewards are well worth it.  Hope this helps give you some points to think about and get you in the right direction.

~DV~

Submission vs Obedience...

I was recently asked about the difference between submission and obedience.  This is something that I have had in my head but never put a lot of thought into before.  I actually had to take some time to think about this and how I see the difference, which was harder to explain than I first thought it would be.  I had plenty of thoughts on this, but actually putting it into words was a bit ore difficult than I thought it would be.  

With a little help from my close friend google, I came up with a pretty clear picture of what was dancing around in that Dom space between my ears.  Obedience and submission are not one in the same, although similar.  Obedience is a matter of conscience and outward behavior.  It is the act of completing a task.  It is the actual action, so to speak.  Obedience isn't necessarily submitting, but I think it is a part of submission.  Submission on the other hand is the inward nonresistance, compliance, and giving of oneself.  It is a matter of what is in your heart.  It is about what you feel.  

I have always said that, for me personally, I don't want a woman that does something and behaves based solely on my demands, commands, or my making her do something.  I want a woman that does all this because it is what she needs and feels and has a desire to do for me.  She acts, behaves, or obeys because she has the need to do so and feels that from within.  So, without even knowing it, I was expressing my desire for submission as opposed to straight obedience.  Yet, the obedience is part of her submission.  

For many, it's the actual act of obeying that can be difficult.  You can want and need to submit and feel that inside, but the actual act of showing it through obedience can be hard to embrace.  This may not be the case with day to day submission and interaction, but is especially true when being more aggressively led and pushed in your submission.  This is where trust plays a huge factor in a D/s relationship.  A submissive has to trust her Dominant, the way he leads her, that he intends to look after her, and that he has her best interests at heart.  She has to trust that he understands her and will only push her to a point that she can handle.  That he won't take advantage of her and use or abuse her.  She has to feel safe in her submission and obedience, and this can't be accomplished without a deep level of trust.  

In case you ever have your own confusion on the difference between submission and obedience, here's a synopsis for you... submission is what is inside and what you feel, whereas obedience is the actual action that takes place.  Obedience is part of submission, but submission isn't necessarily part of obedience.  You have to feel it in your heart and then your actions to represent what you feel, for the two to be part of the same thing.  Anyone can drop down on their knees, but it's what you feel inside and the intent behind it that holds the true meaning.

~DV~

Transitioning to D/s... (Part 2)

Thanks for all the comments on my last post.  It's great to have your thoughts and be able to read your own experiences from both sides of this...starting out with D/s in the relationship versus trying to transition an existing relationship.

The following is part of a message I got from a nice lady.  Her and her husband are trying to transition into D/s and bring this dynamic into their existing marriage.  I thought this was a good example of some of the very problems that can face couples trying to move into this.  Especially when they are having to feel their way along, and neither has experience to be able to help move things along.  I commend her for reaching out for help to try to find answers to assist them in their journey.

My husband and I have embraced a D/s relationship. We are on the beginning of this journey.
I find that when we are engaged in a scene I get "lost" and forget our rules. This has happened a few times and we did have a conversation about it, but have really not come up with a solution. I feel like I'm a terrible sub. I was the one who initiated this journey and can't even seem to follow the simplest of rules. My husband has been making a great effort to embrace this role.  I don't think it's proper for me to tell him what to do (topping from the bottom?)
So what now?

My answer was as follows:

Thanks for the message. I understand your issue and think this is fairly common for those that are new to this. Especially those that have been together a while and are trying to make the transition from where your relationship has always been and into a D/s dynamic. That can be a difficult move at times. I believe that the two of you knowing this is an issue and seeing it is the first step. You can't fix a problem or make a correction when you don't see the issue to begin with. So good for you two for seeing this as an issue and wanting to correct it. In theory it's a fairly easy fix...in practice maybe more difficult. But certainly with some time and consistent attention to it it can be corrected.

Basically you both have to re-wire your thinking and how you do your relationship. You both say you want this, but then in reality you aren't fulfilling your roles. You want to submit, but then you don't and break the rules. He wants to Dom, but then doesn't and allows you to break the rules. He has to step up and take charge when you break the rules, and not let you get by with breaking them. He has to call you out on it and hold you accountable. You need to set up a system where there are consequences for breaking the rules...one that you agree to go by and he agrees to follow through with. You are only breaking the rules because you can get away with it. He also has to step up and put you in your place when you do get out of line. Over time this will reinforce his position for him and that you will submit to him and go by the rules you two have agreed upon. It will also reinforce your place as his sub for you, knowing you have to follow the rules or there are consequences, and that he will be consistent in following through with holding you accountable for your actions.

So I think it's a combination of both of you that have to take action to correct this. It won't happen overnight, but will eventually sink in for each of you. It takes time to move from what you have always done and how you've always been for each other, to be this new person for each other and have this new dynamic. It takes each of you staying the course and being consistent, even when it gets hard or you don't feel like doing it. Eventually you will both feel your place and it will become more natural.

This couple is obviously struggling in trying to get their feet under them and make this work.  From the sound of it, they both want it to work, but figuring out how can be difficult.  I will re-affirm that I think it's wonderful they see there is an issue and are willing to reach out for advise.  So many people would just flounder around on their own, so that's a huge first step.  

I personally do not see her trying to give him her input as topping from the bottom.  At this point, she can't expect him to know everything to do, and when she sees aspects of their relationship and dynamic that she feels needs to be addressed, then she should do just that.  As stated in the last post, communication is everything.  They have to be able to talk these things through and each give their thoughts and input.  They have to be open to listening to each other to try to make this work.  I have always been a proponent of receiving my subs input, thoughts and views.  I want to know how she feels and what she thinks.  By getting this from her it helps me be and do better in my Dominance of her.  Yet, it doesn't mean she is topping from the bottom...only helping us both learn and grow in what we have to make our relationship and dynamic stronger.

One thing we should all keep in mind when considering all of this...there is no right or wrong way to do this.  So please don't get hung up on thinking it has to go a certain way, or be done step by step in some way.  None of that matters.  All you have to do is what works for you and your partner.  Figure out the parts and pieces you like and want and leave the rest out.  Some may say they have no idea what they want or how to do this.  Well you know what...don't take it too seriously, especially in the beginning.  This is supposed to be fun and what makes you happy.  So have fun with it.  Have fun learning and exploring together.  Enjoy the ride and the journey in doing and learning this with someone you care about and want to be with you in this.  The technicalities of whether it's Dom/sub, Master/Slave, whether you're doing it right, whether you are Dom and or sub enough, that all ultimately doesn't matter one bit.  Just do what you like and try to make it work the way that is best for you.  Exploring, learning and experimenting...that's half the fun.  

I'm sure there are aspects of this I have left out in response to her, so feel free to add your thoughts by commenting.  Of course, your own experiences and views on this are always welcome.

~DV~

Transitioning to D/s... (Part 1)

I have been asked many times over the years which I think is easier...starting a relationship with a D/s dynamic or transforming an existing relationship into a D/s dynamic.  I even receive messages from people in existing relationships that want to bring D/s into what they have, and asking for help and advice.  Whether just starting out or being in an existing relationship, each has their good and bad points.  But by far I think it's easier to start a relationship with D/s in mind than to change over an existing relationship.  This doesn't mean that it can't be done by any means.  I just believe it to be easier to start fresh with D/s in mind.

Starting fresh, with the intention of the two people involved being that of Dominant and submissive, establishes the dynamic right from the start.  You go into it knowing the dynamic and what may or may not be expected.  You can take that and build on it from the beginning, and do so with your respective roles in mind.  This doesn't mean that two people automatically jump right in, as it still takes time.  You have to get to know each other, learn about each other, learn about how D/s would work for the two you, learn how each of you sees this type relationship, and learn each others wants, needs, and desires within what you intend to build together.  It takes time to build the knowledge of each other, the trust and the respect needed and that is such a big part of these relationships.  Yet, purely from the perspective of the respective Dominant and submissive roles, I believe starting this way is the easier route, since both of you are going into it knowing this is what you want and need as part of your relationship.

For an existing relationship, there are a lot of hurdles to overcome.  The two people have a lot of history together and see each other a certain way.  Usually one develops an interest, or uncovers their desire, in a D/s dynamic, and eventually takes this interest to their partner.  Getting their partner to understand their desire and get on board with it can be a challenge.  Getting their partner to try to understand what is involved and to take on this new role can be a challenge.  Each of you learning as you go and trying to make this work can be a challenge.  Especially when you have a history together, have always seen each other and conducted your relationship in a particular way, and now you are wanting to totally change all of that.

Getting your partner to look at you and all you have together differently can be tough to do.  They may have always treated you nice and with total care and respect and now you are asking them to control you, hurt you, Dominate you, etc...  OR if reversed, you are asking your partner to submit to you, let you control them, let you do "evil" things to them, and expecting them to want and enjoy it.  This is a huge shift from where most existing couples have been, and this transition can be extremely difficult.

On the plus side for established relationships, the history you have can be very beneficial.  You already know each other, love each other, and have developed a deep bond and connection.  You know all about your partner (although not near as much as you are about to learn), and know their likes, dislikes, personality...all the normal vanilla things that a new couple still has to figure out  Also, there is no rush to move forward.  Being in an established relationship, and assuming you plan to stay together for the long haul, you can take you time and work into this slowly.

So how does an existing relationship transform?  How do you make it work?  Any of you that read my blog and know my views know what I'm about to say...COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING!!!  You have to be able to open talk and discuss this without judgement.  You have to be able to talk to each other and express your thoughts and views without being made to feel bad or looked down upon.  Your talks shouldn't be defensive or argumentative.  They should be about wanting to try to be what you each need for each other, how you can make your relationship better and stronger, and having an open mind to each other.  You have to be willing to share, talk and be open with each other in ways you may never have before.  Being willing to let each other into the deep recesses and darkness within you.  This will take time, but over time it gets easier and will feel more natural.

If you are in an existing relationship and thinking of adding D/s to what you have, I commend you and am all for it.  Just don't jump in expecting it to be an easy transition.  There will be challenges along the way.  There will be hurdles to overcome.  But if you are at this point of wanting this, then obviously it is important to you enough to be willing to face these challenges to achieve what you need.  Many of you have gone through these very transitions.  Some of which I follow in blogland and you all read about as well.  There are many success stories and it is possible to change your dynamic.  So I encourage you to step up and move forward if this is something you want.  The road may be bumpy, but the rewards can be more than worth the journey.  Just keep an open mind and be willing to talk to and be open with your partner.  Without doing that, you might as well not even try.

~DV~