Being Thankful and Giving Back...

I exchanged an email with my slave yesterday about the things I am thankful for in having her as mine.  Granted it was a bit on the naughty side and had pictures from Tumblr attached to it, but there was some seriousness to it as well.  I am very thankful for her, for all she is to me, all she gives to me, all she has been willing to have an open mind about and learn, and all she still has the potential to be and become.  She has com a long way since we first started talking several yeas ago.  When I stop to look back on where we were and where we are now it it light years apart.  She has helped me grow and become more as well,an for that I am most thankful.

Just as in everyday life, in this lifestyle we have to be thankful for what we have.  So many times we look at things from the point of view of what we don't have and wish we did.  We may look at or worry about what lies ahead instead of looking at what we have now and is right in front of us.  We can become complacent with where we are and take it for granted because we are too concerned about what is to come or what we wish we had instead.  I think it's important to take a minute to stop and look at what we have now and be very thankful for it.

In this lifestyle, I think it is also important to give back when we have the opportunity.  There are many that struggle with this, have questions, are looking for advice, or whatever the case may be.  We should take the time when the situation presents itself to try to help someone else learn, better understand, or lend an ear.

I get contacted by Dominants and submissives alike looking for help.  Maybe they have a specific question.  Maybe they feel lost and are looking for answers.  Maybe they need to know that wanting this lifestyle is not wrong and need some encouragement and support.  Maybe they are looking for advice on how to do a specific scene.  Whatever it may be, I am always happy to help, and enjoy doing so as well.  Yet, beyond that, I think it is also our duty to help.  My slave specifically understands that it is her place to help others if asked, and I expect that from her.  She has a lot of experience to be able to draw on to offer advice, teach others, and help people understand more clearly.  There have been times I have sent someone to her to talk to because I thought she could help, just as she has sent people to me.

Even all of us that have blogs, whether it i our direct intention or not, are helping others by sharing our experiences, the good and bad times, and what we face in this.  This gives others a chance to read what we write and draw on that for their own benefit.  So many times I have seen the comments on a blog post that tells the writer how much they appreciate them sharing their experiences and struggles because it helps them know they aren't alone, or it was a topic that fit their life at the time and made a huge difference.  When that happens we should be proud that we were able to share through our blog and it made a difference for someone.

I am thankful I am able to help others learn about this lifestyle.  That I am in a place where I can interact with others and teach them what this lifestyle really is about and can be.  Many times I learn more myself in helping others, as well as the gratification of knowing I was able to help.  I hope you all can help when you have the opportunity and make this lifestyle be better for someone else.  I hope you are thankful the opportunity to be able to help and find some enjoyment in doing so.  I know I do and my door is always open for whatever or whoever may come along.  So come on in, have a seat, and stay a while.  I only require an open mind and willingness to face what you may find.

~DV~

The Jekyll and Hyde Contradiction...

I believe at times we all have contradictions that that run through our head.  This is especially true within this lifestyle of BDSM, D/s, Ms, etc...  Any of you that have followed me for any length of time know that I have written about the contradictions that lie within submission.  There is the internal battle many times of what seems right versus what a submission wants, needs, or craves.   It can be hard to accept these things and come to terms with our desires for these seemingly inappropriate acts and treatment.  In today's society, it can even seem very wrong to even want to submit and give power and authority over to another person, regardless of the acts that may play out.  Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret... this can be hard for a Dominant/Master at times as well.

When I take the time to look at some of things that I enjoy about being Dominant, and the aspects of this lifestyle that I enjoy (the not so gentle or nice aspects), and compare that to what is considered socially acceptable, it can stop me in my tracks.  In fact, in some circles I potentially could be clinically determined to be a sexual deviant and be need to be on the registered sexual offender list.  I could be one of those people that has to carry that stigma and has everyone look at him as though I am an outcast.  Why don't we just go ahead and take me to the town square and hang me for all to see and rid our community of such atrocity.

I see scenes of seemingly rough forced sex and I like it.  I see scenes of a caning and I love the pretty whelps and stripes left across the woman's ass.  I want to create those whelps myself.  I see various acts of pain inflicted and I want to do those things myself.  I want to make my slave moan and scream and beg, and then make her take even more.  I want to make her choke on my manhood, only to let her breathe and then do it again.  I see pictures of women in of cages and think "Hmmm... I need one of those!"  I think about spanking her pussy and hurting her nipples and want to subject her to it over and over.  I want to ram myself into her repeatedly so that it hurts her and she screams, and I won't stop until she's a foggy mess of a blob that can't even function.  All to exert my Dominance, fulfill my own needs, and show her how she is owned and at my mercy for whatever I choose.

Therein lies the contradiction.  At the same time, I love and care for my slave.  I want to go places and do things with her.  I want to hold her hand.  I want to spoon with her as we sleep.  I want to caress and care for her.  I want to gently kiss her on the forehead.  I want to have her head in my lap and stroke her hair and cheek as we watch television.   I want to laugh with her, and pick at each other in fun.  I want to defend her when she is threatened, and throw myself in front of any danger she might face.  I want to shield her from anything unpleasant that may come her way.

How can I be this way?  How can I want to hurt her in one breath and protect her from pain in another?  How can I want to subject her to such apparently cruel acts, but then want to protect her to the death?  It's like I internally consist of my own personal Jekyll and Hyde.

How?  I'll tell you how!  Because it's part of who I am as a man and a Dominant, and also what my slave needs and craves from me.  It's part of the dynamic we have together, each knowing our roles and place with the other.  Each of us, in actuality, feeding off the other to be this way to meet our owns needs as well as fulfill the needs of each other.  Am I like this with everyone?  Absolutely not!  The key to it all is consent.  I have no desire to do these things with someone that does not want and need it.  That doesn't turn me on one bit.

I'm not going to look at the hot soccer mom and kidnap her and do evil things to her just because I get off on it.  I'm not going to look at the hot professional woman in her nice dress and want to defile her.  Ok wait, I might fantasize about it, but would never act on it.  In my fantasies it happens because she ultimately wants it as well.  It's one thing to fantasize about it, but to act on it goes somewhere totally different.  It's that action on the fantasies of force against one's will that takes it to another level and will define you as a clinical deviant and sexual predator.

I don't want you to think that I'm sitting here confused and flopping around like a fish out of water not knowing what to do.  I'm not battling I came to terms with who I am long ago.  I am secure in the Dominant I am and the things I desire and need as a Dominant.  For this to work for me, I need a willing partner.  I need someone that wants this from me, and even pushes me to do more and go further with this side of myself.  I need consent as well as a mental and emotional connection to be this way with someone.  This is not about taking what I want from just anyone.  It's about being that way with and for my slave because she needs that from me, and it allows me to be able to be my true self.

I may be a walking contradiction in many ways, but I'm ok with that.  I'm good with the person I am and have uncovered.  I can have Jekyll and Hyde, and have learned to balance the two.  I won't lie to you, it's not always easy, but that's ok as well.  The struggles make the triumphs worthwhile.  For me, the benefits far outweigh the downsides.

Hi... my name is DV... and I'm a living, breathing contradiction that happily embraces both sides of himself and wouldn't have it any other way.

Emerging From The Darkness...

She had abolished herself within the dark dungeon because of the way she had been treated and viewed by all those outside. She had waited what seemed like a lifetime for the One Person that had the key to release her. For the One Person that was willing to bring her out of the darkness and accept her within the light. The One Person that could unlock the door to allow her to finally be free to fly. The One Person that could release her from the darkness she thought she would always be within.

As the door opened and the light He brought to her laid it’s beams upon her wings, they naturally spread as if she had always known how to fly. Yet, she was afraid of what lied beyond the door. At least in the darkness she knew what to expect. He didn’t drag her into the light, but instead patiently waited. He encouraged and offered support for her new life as she slowly left the darkness behind and stepped into the light. She knew that she owed everything to Him, for after all He was the one that held the key that would allow her to be who she has always been destined to be, and would completely accept her as she was.

As she emerged into the light, she knelt before Him in gratitude and reverence. She was beholden to the One true holder of the key that released her from the dungeon of herself to find the freedom in being all she can be. She knew that only with him would her wings spread wide and she would finally learn how to fly. He would nurture her soul and help her accept herself and all she is. She finally knew what it was like to find complete and total freedom in belonging to and giving herself to that One Person that had the ability to release her from the imprisonment of her own mind.

As tears of happiness rolled down her face, she took his outstretched hand to begin the Dauntless Journey down the path she had needed to be led down her entire life. She could finally feel her wings spread wider than they ever had before as she felt the care, love, and safety in his guidance. She was still afraid, but only of the unknown. Yet, she trusted Him with every ounce of her being, would give him her very best, and knew this was exactly where she was meant to be.


~DV~

Because He Said So...?

I have seen pictures and groups of pictures on tumblr, and other places for that matter, that are D/s and M/s and BDSM related with the words “Because He said So”.  I will say that as a Dominant I do adhere to this mantra, but there are some caveats to this as well. 

For the uninformed, uneducated, and ignorant people of this world, it’s these caveats that hold the true meaning behind these words. This is not a blanket statement, right, or entitlement that gives an alleged Master/Dom the right to demand anything he wants, expect it to be done or carried out, and then get mad when it doesn’t happen.  Listen to this very carefully…You are not entitled to a single thing just because you call yourself a Master or a Dom.  You don’t automatically have the right to expect anything just “Because You Said So” because you have proclaimed yourself as having a title.  

So what does it mean when you hear “Because He Said So…”?

It means the sub/slave has given him that right and authority over her.

It means she has consented this power to such a person.

It’s because she sees and feels him as worthy of such power and control.

It’s because he has earned the right to be able to be that way with her.

It’s because he has earned her respect in the Dominant position h has with her.

It’s because he has put in the time, effort and work to get t that point with her.

For me personally, when I see those words it’s not just those words alone that resonate with me.  It’s the entire dynamic of the power exchange relationship, all it takes and all the two of you have gone through together to reach a place where “Because He Said So…” is a reality and has true depth and meaning.  It is a very special feeling and place to be when you reach this together.  But it is not something that you can instantly demand and expect.  

Earn your place with her.  Put in the time and effort she deserves.  Earn your title with her, because she feels it and bestows it upon you, not because you hereby declare it for yourself.  Anyone can call themselves whatever they like.  Having someone else see you as that person and give themselves to you as that person in your life… that is the true blessing. You don’t have a right and aren’t entitled to anything.  You do have the right to earn what you want and strive to achieve your goals.  

When the title as her Master or Dominant has been earned, and she sees you as worthy of that position over her, that is much more gratifying and fulfills a level of accomplishment than anything ever demanded without effort.  And when you get that from her, that is when you can truly say… “Becasue I Said So…”!

~DV~

Control In Daily Life...

Every relationship involves two people.  Two people that rely on each other to meet their needs, make them feel good, and to make them feel fulfilled.  It's a bond they felt from the start and has grown deeper as the relationship has progressed.  It involves a lot of trust, communication and mutual respect.  A power exchange relationship (D/s, M/s, etc...) is no exception to this, and may even have some of these characteristics that are even more prevalent than their vanilla counterparts.

As we all know, much of what those of this in this lifestyle do and portray is very sexual in nature.  Whether it's written blogs, websites, Fetlife, Tumblr, or whatever the case may be, what we run across more times than not is the sexual elements.  This may be justified to some degree, as much of the time these relationships are about sexual Domination and submission.  Yet, I think it's the aspects of these relationships outside of the sexual realm that are the foundation that makes them strong.  It's the day to day interactions and normal daily life that people build lasting relationships upon, and not wild unadulterated sex, although we will all agree that is the fun part of this.

For many people it seems to be easy to engage in some type power exchange relationship sexually.  Yet, when it comes to daily life decisions it seems to be more difficult.  People appear to have a harder time taking or giving up control in daily life than they do with giving up control of their own bodies.  For me personally as a Dominant, part of my rules is that I have the last word and the power to make all decisions.  I want my partners views, thoughts, and opinions, and will always take that into account, but in the end I have the say.  That doesn't mean I want total control, that I'm overly Domineering, or that it's my way or nothing by any means.  It just establishes the boundaries for which we will conduct ourselves.  This rule is easy to say but is much harder for both people to actually carry out.

There are times that I may make decisions and that is the end of discussion.  Yet, more times than not, it is a combination of my own decision and my subs decision.  I don't conduct my relationship as a dictatorship or like a communist regime.  I don't want a mindless sub or slave.  I want someone that can contribute to our relationship to make us both better and stronger.  I want someone who can think for themselves and will also make decisions that are for the betterment of us.

Giving up control on decisions that affect your life and will have long term consequences can be scary.  It takes a lot of trust and respect for the other person, and this can take a long time to develop.  So least to say, when my sub comes to me to help her make life decisions it can be very gratifying.  It shows me the depth of what we have fostered together.  It shows me the true submission she has towards me in letting me in to make these decisions for her.  It shows me the trust she has in me to make decisions that could affect and alter her life long term.  This could be financially related, about a career or job position, a situation with a friend, one of the children, or any number of possible scenarios.  She knows that based on our relationship dynamic my opinion carries a lot of weight, and she will likely have to go with my stance on the matter.  Ultimately, this is what she needs and expects of me, though.  This is the leader she needs me to be.  Even still, I don't just tell her what to do and nothing else is allowed, but rather try to equip her with information to make an informed decision on her own.  A true leader doesn't demand, he inspires.

For a Dominant that lives this lifestyle and conducts his relationship within a power exchange dynamic, in all aspects of a relationship and not just sexually, trust and respect are everything.  These are attributes that are earned and gained.  So, having your submissive trust you in all aspects of your relationship, and to make decisions that are potentially life altering, is such a satisfaction.  It can make you beam inside with delight in seeing the depth your relationship has reached and just how how far the two of you have come together.  With this comes a lot of responsibility.  You have to make sure you are ready and able to carry that weight on your shoulders and live with the consequences of your actions.  Those actions affect not only you, but also your partner.  I am more than willing to accept this responsibility.  After all, reaching this point is what we have been striving for as part of the progression of what we have and both need, or at leas it should be, as part of our power exchange dynamic and relationship.

Beaten With Love...

Over the past year or more there has been a lot of attention brought to domestic violence, and rightfully so.  With a lot of high profile domestic abuse cases, mostly it seems in sports, this has become one of the hot topics of the moment.  I stand behind this movement and believe there is no place for abuse of any kind n a relationship, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional.  There is no place for abuse in any relationship.  Read that again if you need to do so.  Being this way with your partner comes from a place of anger, rage, fear, and/or a loss of control.  I tend to think that a person that abuses their partner sees themselves as less than or weaker and they are trying to prove or exert some kind of power play against their partner to convince that person, and even themselves, of their strength and power.  There is no place for abuse of any kind.

Having said that, it may seem hypocritical to purposely inflict pain upon your partner, or even have a desire to do so.  Yet, within the BDSM lifestyle, or some type of power exchange relationship, many times this is exactly what occurs.  There is one big distinction, however, between what we do in this lifestyle and what happens in abuse situations.  It's called...CONSENT!

In abuse cases, there is no consent.  It is done against the other persons will and desire.  It is unwanted treatment done with the intent to cause harm and fear.  In BDSM, there is (or should be) full consent, and even a desire by both persons for the activity.  In some instances it is even done for sexual gratification.  I'm not going to get into the full legal issues surrounding this, as that isn't the point of this post.  But I will mention that I read in another blog post recently about a case, I believe in England, where some individuals were found guilty of a crime even though they had full consent.  So please be aware of the laws in your region and how this type activity is perceived, viewed, and the potential consequences.

There are any reasons why people within the BDSM community may engage in activities involving pain.  It could be to push submission.  It could be to feed someones masochistic side.  It be to feed someones sadistic side.  It could be for punishment.  There are many aspects f this lifestyle that can involve pain and physical infliction upon another person.  The biggest difference in what is done in this lifestyle is that is is not out of anger or rage.  It is very calculated and controlled when it is done.  It is done with a purpose.  It is done in a specific way that is planned and intended.  It is done with the receivers full consent, and always with their safety and well being in mind and at the forefront.  In having a safe word in place, the receiver/sub can even stop it immediately, no questions asked.

For me personally, I think my use of pain in a Dominant/submissive relationship is twofold.  One, over the years I have found and discovered my desire for pain infliction, at least on the mild side.  I will be the first to tell you I have a slight sadistic side I didn't know was there years ago.  This was brought out by being involved with some submissives that also had a need to receive assorted inflicted pain.  Second, I have learned of my desire to inflict pain from a place of love and care.  that's right...I said my sadistic side is played out with love and care.

Now you might ask, how can you possibly inflict pain on someone out of love?  It took me a while to grasp this concept myself.  I believe that as a Dominant, if you have a submissive that needs to feel pain, or physical force from you, then it's part of the dynamic the two of you have.  My submissive very well may need to feel the pain.  She can be masochistic on some level and have a need to feel that from me.  This can be multi-layered as to why she needs it, in being the pain helps in feel my control and Dominance, it makes her feel her place as my submissive, it gives her the physical force she needs to feel herself endure for me, and maybe even be something that arouses her in a sexual way.  So, when it's something she needs from me and our relationship, I may be doing it for my own fulfillment, but it's also done out of love and care for her and her need and desire to feel that from me.

Any relationship is about being with someone because you enjoy them and they meet your needs.  Any person that is with someone that doesn't meet there needs, won't stay there for long.  There is no point in being with someone that leaves you unfulfilled and leaves a huge void for you.  In being able to live out my sadistic side, and even explore it further, I am also feeding her masochistic side.  I am giving her what she needs from me because I care.  Because I want t give that to her.  Because she means something to me.  I would even go as far to say that not giving her the pain and force she desires and needs from me, thereby leaving her lacking in our relationship, is more harmful to her mentally and emotionally than any form of pain I can inflict.  Yet, always and in all manners, inflicting pain is done under complete control, never when mad or angry, and with a purpose.

I think this is a perfectly good example of why this is referred to as an alternate lifestyle.  It goes against many of the norms of how people should be treated and what is expected in our society.  It is an alternate way of seeing and conducting a relationship.  Yet, when it is needed and desired by both partners, it can become a true bonding experience and bring you both closer.  It can strengthen the trust you have for each other, and make your relationship stronger.  I affectionately refer to this as "Beating her with Love".  Because that's exactly what is is... giving her the pain and force she needs from me in a caring and loving way and with care and love as the full intent behind it.

It's Not Change...It's Evolution...

Change...that can be a scary thing.  Most of us are afraid of change.  We get used to how things are and like it that way.  If when we don't like how things are, it's familiar to us so change can still be difficult.  Yet, when it comes to this lifestyle, I prefer a term different than change...I prefer evolution.

Yes, things change, people change, and situations change, but in this lifestyle I think we tend to evolve.  I think we grow and progress and become more.  We need more.  Staying stationary isn't enough.  It's stagnant and becomes mundane and boring.  We need to move forward, go further, and be pushed to more.

I have said on more than one occasion that vanilla just isn't enough.  Why is that?  Because we have evolved to needing more than that.  Even once you become a part of the kinky realm and engage in BDSM activities, what once seemed kinky after a while begins to be normal.  It doesn't have the same excitement it once did because it's not new any longer.  It is now the new normal.  This lends us to evolving and pushing for more.  It takes us further down this path to new adventures and activities.  It opens us to becoming more and learning more about ourselves.

I have seen this evolution within myself and others.  I have seen and experienced the changes that can occur once you delve into this lifestyle.  It doesn't happen quickly, but it is part of the process as we move through this.  I have seen people that wanted nothing to do with any form of anal play learn to enjoy and even crave it.  I have seen people that wanted nothing to do with any form or pain come to need it.  I have seen people come around to needing public play and/or humiliation of some form.  The possibilities are endless, but the point is that we evolve from where we were to where we are and what we need and desire.

There are some things that I think are essential for this evolution to occur.  It always comes back to the relationship in which you are involved.  It requires the development of deep trust and respect for your partner and their role with you.  It requires a lot of being open with each other, being able to discuss your needs and desires, and having that free flowing communication.

For many of the activities, it has more to do with the person you are involved with than the desire or need for the actual activity itself.  For instance, a submissive may be more than willing to take pain and suffer for her Dominant, and even find pleasure in doing so, but that may not mean she is a lover of pain or a masochist.  It is all because of the relationship they have together.  It's the way and the context in which the pain is delivered, the circumstances, and who is delivering the pain.  This is all part of the evolution of their relationship, the depth it has grown to, and what they have come to need and desire with each other.

Change, or evolution as I like to call it, is a natural part of progressing within this lifestyle and our relationships within this lifestyle.  It is part of growing closer and becoming more for and with each other.  It's needing to give and have more with each other.  Coming to terms with this evolution and what you find yourself now needing can be difficult at times.  Yet, with an open mind and free flowing communication this can be overcome.  Evolving into more together is essential and natural, as staying stagnant and stationary will gain you nothing.  We all have to learn to embrace the evolution of ourselves in this lifestyle, wherever that may lead us.