Formspring: Outlets For Spousal Differences

I just came upon your blog through another blog. You state your wife is not into the scene with you. What is your outlet? I'm not trying to be overly nosy but I am curious when one spouse has needs the other isn't able or willing to fulfill. Thanks!

I have mentioned this in my blog before, but it's not something I discuss very much.  Yet, those that have followed me for a while know I'm married and she isn't into the lifestyle.  Actually, it is because of our intimacy differences, and growing apart years ago in the area, that has enabled me to venture into D/s as I have.  For lack of a better way to put it, we have an open relationship and allow each other to do our own thing outside the home.  She is very aware of what I'm into, aware of my blogs, and supports me in my ventures.  That is, as long as it doesn't affect our home life.  Even if we were still intimate, in no way would she be into D/s or bdsm.  It's just not her or her personality.

So, for me this is how I have an outlet to meet the needs that I can't get at home.  The only real way I know of to scratch the itch is to find someone willing to scratch it for you.  For me that is pretty easy because we are very open in our communication and each is aware of the others activities.  For most people, that would mean sneaking around, having an affair, infidelity, or whatever you want to call it.  Most partners in a relationship are not going to agree to an open relationship.  For that matter, most couples don't seem to have enough open communication to even discuss it.

Now, before you go to far, DV did not say go out and have an affair. If you do that, it is by your own choosing and the choices you have decided to make for yourself.  Ultimately, you need to be able to sit down and discuss things in a calm and rational manner with your spouse.  After all, if you can't talk to your spouse then there are bigger issues than differences in sexual needs.  You need to be able to discuss with each other what your needs are and why.  Try to find some middle ground that can work for you both. 

In a good marital relationship, each person should be willing to try new and different things in order to help meet the needs of each other.  You may not be able to get your husband or wife fully on board with this scene, but if you get them part of the way there it's better than nothing, assuming that is what you want and need yourself.  I think a married couple should always do everything possible for each other to make things work.  After all, isn't that what marriage is about?!?!  If you can't do this and it doesn't work, then you are left with few options, and they all seem to involve doing something behind your spouses back, so to speak. 

As a general rule, if you are down to the few options, and you choose to go outside your marriage, then there are bigger problems with your marriage than a lack of bdsm or D/s.  And yes, I fall into the category of bigger problems.  I won't exclude myself from that.  I have been lucky enough to be able to work through this with my wife and keep our family in tact.  It's certainly not the most ideal, and I do miss out on a lot because of it.  But, as for now it works for us and is what we have agreed to do.  that may change down the road, but only time will tell. 

Thanks for the question.  I'm not sure this helped, but maybe it helped reinforce what you already know.

DV