Photography by Jessica Tremp
I feel lost...I feel alone...I feel like I'm not me!!!
As some of you know, not too long ago I ran into some family issues that required me to set my sub free. This was not an easy decision, but something I felt I had to do. Partly for my sake, because I could not deal with all of this at once, and partly for her sake, because she deserves better and more than I can offer. This brings me to where I am now.
In dealing with things that require my utmost attention with my family, I have my good days and my bad days. Today is one of the days I am feeling a bit down. I am surrounded by people, yet I feel alone. I am not allowed right now to be who I am, so in turn I must be who I am needed and required to be. That causes me some stress. I have to set aside who I am, and who I love to be, to be able to concentrate on what is ultimately most important...my daughter.
As a Dom, I feel it is important to share my feelings, just as I ask and require of my sub. Do I see this as I'm weak? Not a chance! I see it as I'm able to express myself and share what I'm going through. In return those around me can better know and understand me and who I am. In return it will make us stronger in the long run. We all have our ups and downs...good days and bad. Should a Dom/Master always be strong and firm and never show emotion. Absolutely not...at least in my opinion. Or that's at least how I operate. A Dom needs to be able to show all sides of himself, and feel comfortable with himself and his feelings in order to be the best he can be. Only through this can he grow to be stronger and better than before. This is similar to what a lot of subs say as well. By giving themselves to another person to be controlled...used...owned...they actually feel more free and alive. Being able to do so makes them stronger in the end. More of the person they truly are. A Dom needs to be able to experience the same things.
So...good days or bad...ups or downs...dealing with them and beng able to work through them will make us stronger. Feeling comfortable enough to share and be a bit vulnerable will make us stronger. It will allow us to rely on our friends and to let them help us through the tough times. That's what friends are for right?!?! Whether they are friends in your everyday life, or those from cyberland, they are still friends who undertand.
Make your way through the darkness, hold your head high, and the eventually the sun will beam down on you once again!
All I can say I'm sorry. It must have been so difficult for the both of you. Do you still have any contact with each other or was it a clean break?
ReplyDeleteFD
As a sub who was freed, I can speak from that perspective. If your bond was a strong one, I am sure that your former sub, while understanding with her head and heart, feels just as lost with her inner self. It appears from your blog that you had opened the eyes of your former sub as to who she really was, explained why she felt the way she did, gave her meaning and understanding. I have struggled with this myself. Someone once showed me these very things and when it came time for me to stand alone, I found it easier to retreat back into the world I had lived all of my life...the world of denial. I continue to have good and bad days, but continue to battle with the wonderment of what could have been. Today, I do not think I can call myself a "sub" for who would I be a sub to? To this day, I can stand in a room with all of my friends, people who have known me all of my life, and one thing always comes back to my mind. That none of those people will ever know me as well or as deeply as my former Dom. I am sure your former sub feels much the same.
ReplyDeleteI truly hate to hear that someone else is struggling with these feelings. I wish you strength and peace with your family matters. With a child involved, you are most correct in that the one thing that matters most is your child.
Irony's Sub
P.S. I love music and I have found that Rob Thomas' song "Someday" holds much more meaning for me lately than it does to the vanilla listener.
FD...
ReplyDeleteIt was not an easy decision at all. I tried to think of every way possible not to have to do it. We were still in the infancy stage of our relationship and she was learning so much about this lifestyle and herself. With no timetable on my return, I finally decided it was best for her to be able to move on and continue her journey.
We have had very little contact since. I know it was heartbreaking for her, but at the same time she totally understands. That doesn't make it any easier, but I'm sure, or maybe I hope, she knows it had nothing to do with her at all and it was just something I felt I had no choice but to do.
Irony...
I appreciate your thoughts and feelings. It gives me a better perspective on what she is going through from her side as well. I wish you the best in your dealings wth this and I hope you too eventually find what you need and want, and are able to move on and enjoy this for all it's worth.
DV